You might think D.j. Trump is a terrible president. Here is why that isn’t true.

So many people say that Mr. D.j. Trump is a bad president. He cheats, they say. He lied, they say. He does not truly love America... at least not as much as he loves himself and the money. But is this true?

Mr. D.j. Trump was born in an orphanage in a very poor area of the Long Island with no family or money, he was the first of his kind to be this president. This is why we must refer him as the Lord and Savior Mr. Donald James trum, and not a stupid women for president.

Also, this brings me to my next point, the election is OVER GUYS. MR D.J. TRUMP WON IT FAIR AND SQUAIR. 

Also, this brings me to yet another point. Maybe donal James trum is not so much a liar as you must think. He has the best memory in the world. The best doctor in the world. The best fruit wines in the world. The best golf clubs (at first I wrote “gold clubs” buy mistake and I thought, yes he probably does have gold clubs! Both night clubs and golf clubs. Maybe his security has gold clubs to hit criminals with. Oh and maybe he has a trump(r) brand sets of decks of cards with a “gold” clubs in it. I don’t know but it sure is fun to think about.) how could A LIAR be so good at everything he does? Casing point.

Another reason I LOVE the holy, rational and stealth like Mr. D.j. Trumps is because he has a great look and is very popular with the women. Have you seen his wife? She is very beautiful. And have you seen his daughter? She is easily more beautiful. So this is very important for me, because a Hillary for president would mean ONLY ONE WOMAN IN THE WHITE house. For our fearless and vindictive Leader Chairman Donald k. Trump it is only true to say HE WILL HAVE 2 WOMEN IN THE White House.

And finally, this is the most important: Donald j is giving up his precious time on the money markets to save our country from the evils of Antifa and communist insurrection. Believe me these are very bad things and need to be kept at the bay. I will no longer eat at Applebee’s because they offer “a toast to the revolution” and are widely known to be Antifa safehouses in every state. We need a divine and omnipotent Leader to please save us Mr. Donald jtrump!

Thanks to you and please leave your name and a brief comment on why you like this article. Many more to come!

Come Hell, Or High Water!

Greetings friends,
I understand that it has been an unreasonably long time since I last spoke with you all. It is with a heavy heart that I say to you, "It is true! All of my loved ones have passed away!"

And so, I write the following list. May these souls "Rest In Peace".

1. Prince
Legendary Music Icon

2. Gwyneth Paltrow
Very Talented Actor

3. Cher
Singer, Actor, Dancer

4. "Earnest" Hemmingway
One Of My All Time Favorite Authors

5. Michael Jordan
Singer, Dancer, Entrepreneur

6. Janet Jordan
Singer, Actor, Entertainer

7. Clive "Staples" Lewis
Master Of Narnian Tales

8. David Bowie
Singer, Make-Up Muse

9. THE QUEEN MOTHER

10. Bernard Joseph Macintyre
Comedian, New Kid, Actor

11. Bridgeport Jones
And all the other nameless victims of violence in Bridgeport, Connecticut.

12. Paul Walker
Driver Of Fast Cars

13. Jesus of Nazareth
King Of The Jews, Christ

Now that you have reflected on my list of passed loved ones, you are probably thinking, "Why are there 13 [thirteen] passed loved ones? Is this not an unlucky number? Why, for crying out loud, IS JESUS CHRIST THE 13th ON HIS LIST?"

Friend, I must let you know: 13 is not an unlucky number. For in fact, Christ had 12 [twelve] disciples, making himself the 13th [thirteenth] in their squadron. The number 13 is also very important in numerology (I will discuss this further as my article progresses).

It is my thinking that 13 became an unlucky number when the Roman Catholic church was trying to excommunicate the Greek aristocracy. The Greeks, being fans of homosexuality, loved the number 13 because the "1" looks like an erect penis, while the "3" looks like an arial view of a protruding pair of buttocks. The Catholics therefore must have demonized this number. To their fault, they neglected the extreme importance of making lists and poems in 13s.

Now, Christians, you ponder, "All the souls listed are of dead bodied. But did not Christ ascend to heaven, body and soul? Christ's life is everlasting, how can he be included in the dead Reverend Pescado chooses to mourn?"

And I respond, "Did not Paul Walker die for the sins of us wishing to watch fast and furious automobiles crashing into oblivion? Did not Cher die for our curiosity of valour and contempt of the human psyche? Is it possible that in C.S. Lewis's current reality, he is not dead but is instead 500 years old, but in our universe his perception has only lasted a nanosecond?!"

These foolish responses are why I choose to not post anymore than I am spiritually obliged.

Regards,
Jesus Pescado

"A Tip For The Ladies" Female pattern baldness can be cured with a good attitude ;)

Hello, hell-ow-een

Good evening to my spooky friends in Christ Jesus our LORD true mangod messiah Emmanuel holy lamb you take away the sins from us now, amen.

You may notice something particularly dark, cobwebbed, a cat's meow about tonight's entry. You see, my good Christirn naybors [this is a reference to a joke I heard about who do horses live besides?] You see, in two nights from now is the frightful experience children empleasure themselves in known as Halloween.

As you may have noticed my use of poetic license when I spelled it in the title, "Hell-Ow-een". I changed "hall" to "hell" because if there was a lodge or hall this most wicked of holidays would commence in, it would be Satan's hall otherwise known as "hell". I separated the letters O and W to make the sound a boy makes when he gets hurt, because as we know Halloween can be a day for treats and candy, but it can also be a day of vandalism and hurt feelings.

Now before we go on, when I was a boy and before I became born again in Christ via the industrious and leathery hands of the Astounding Reverend Angelo Pudding, revealer of the "Holy Ghost" (this is only a Halloween themed joke of course!) I was in a costume contest. The girl the year ahead of me in school, Debbie Riskas was wearing a gown and a cone princess hat. I thought, well Halloween is a time of ghouls and nightmares. There is nothing scary about such a princess costume. So during the costume contest I addressed the student body to make this be known. I was of course dressed in skeletons attire. Needless to say I worked myself up quite a sweat ranting about this issue, so much so that the sweat coming from my penis looked as if I had begun to wet myself. (Now Christian reader you may be thinking to yourself, how does one sweat so much from their penis tip? Well, to make sure it was sweat I tasted it and of course it tasted salty: sweat! So fear not gentle reader.) ignorant as schoolboys are the students all laughed at me and this hurt my feelings quite a bit. To this day I had terrible anxiety when it comes to accosting women in public about the inappropriateness of their wardrobe choices.

So this Halloween I beg of you, please do not dress as the Devil himself or anything blasphemous. Please have fun and games and sweet and salty treat, snacks and goblin candy but please do not make anyone so furious they cry out of their penis and run off stage never to be seen again. This is very important to me that you promise me this so please be respectful not just of me but also of women and the unborn fetus she may be carrying for who know she? It could even be the return of the Christ Child. This would make a good movie too.

Here are some Christian approved suggestions for Halloween costumes:

- Jesus's dog. Jesus probably had a dog but no one knows for certain what kind of dog so you can pick you favourite kind, or whatever kind of dog you already have for a costume.

- the three wise men. This is good if you have two other friends with similar taste in costumes.

- the bible. Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. You don't even need to dress different for this you just need to know lots of verse to tell people when they are behaving misguided to show them how much you care about the,.

- the animals from Noah's Ark 3:46:6-8

- the man at the baseball games in the rainbow wig with a sign proclaiming one of my absolute altime favourites John's 3:16.

Thank you and may angels touch your body and go in Peace with The LORD.

Born Again!

Hello to my new found friends in Our LORD Christ Jesus. For much too long of this tired life he lives, my brother and ex-friend Jesus Pescado has been writing blasphemous, dare I say hedonistic and inflammatory remarks on this weblog Named Hey! Zeus! Pescado. Of course, my friends, there is no Zeus or any other pagan deities. For there is only one God who lives in three gods, the Father, the Jesus Christ and of course (and please do not let this name scare you as he is not a spook but indeed a friend) the Holy Ghost.
My name is Richardez Pescado and as of three months ago I am a Born Again Chistrin. And many of you may be asking themselves, "Why am I reading this men's blog? Richardez is not a famousman, he is no celebrity and of no consequence to my life."
Well, dear friends, you are wrong about this one!
For you see, it is Christ Jesus the God amongst men who brought you to this glorious blog. For it was not glorious, but now it is. It was not good, but now it is in Jesus Christ Our LORD, amen. (Bathsis 34:2:1).
It has brought me to this point now in the year of our LORD 2015 that much of the words and visions we see in radios, movies, television programming, theatrical performances, newspapers, Internet and magazines is sinful and needs a proper dismissal by a REAL Christian so that the followers of the true and real chruch can ask themselves and decide "is this really okay or should we do something about this outlandish behaviour?"
The Honorable Reverend Angelo Pudding (who is my personal pastor, mentor, private listener and spiritual healer) told me, "Richardo, you must spread your love for Jesus (the Christ, not my insane maniac brother!) with the world for all to know and share. Take over your evil twin's blog and make it for the one true Messiah."
And there you have it. Tune in next week for a riveting update on the rapture, believing in faith, my recovery to abstinence, television reviews and much, much more.

God be with each and everyone of you. In Christ Jesus.

15 Things YOU NEED To Know About Portuguese People

For everyone who already IS Portuguese, this should be a no brainer. We've all walked in the supermarket and been like, what the hell are these chickens? Why does that guy's Spanish sound so muffled? Are my day laborers trying to steal my antiques? Of course, Portuguese people never have these thoughts. Being Portuguese is like being the Santa Maria on a course to a new island, like Macau. No one knows what will come, but they know it will be FULL of adventure.

Here are 15 things Portuguese people are tired of hearing/you need to know before you die!

1. Chickens ARE NOT indigenous to Portugal.

In fact, Chickens come from east Asia. Portuguese people just REALLY, REALLY like chickens.

2. Portuguese people are not ALWAYS speaking loudly outside of Catholic churches.

Most Portuguese only go to Mass ONCE A WEEK, meaning at most they are speaking loudly outside of Church BEFORE and AFTER Mass, in total about 1-2 hours a week. THIS IS NOT "ALL" THE TIME.

3. Every Portuguese person owns at least ONE ceramic chicken.

They are cute and cultural. What's not to love?

4. DO NOT call a Portuguese person you don't know a cleaner or a day laborer.

Even if they are or look to be, you never know. This could really offend some people.

5. Portugal has a rich history.

Sure this involves murdering indigenous people and taking their belongings, but they have a rich history because of this.

6. Brazil sometimes is Portugal.

A few times in history Brazil and Portugal have been the same country.

7. Portuguese women ARE NOT ALWAYS SCOWLING.

This is just a popular fashion trend in Portuguese eyebrow design.

8. Portugal is next to Spain, NOT MEXICO.

This should be obvious to anyone with a map of South Western Europe.

9. Some Portuguese people have small butts.

10. It's rude to refer to them as "pork-n-cheese". 

In fact, Portugal is home to 50,000 Muslims, 10,000 Hindus and 1,000 Jews. Many of these people don't even eat pork.

11. DO NOT refer to Portugal as "Shitty Italy".

It's prefered nickname is "More Than Andorra".

12. Portuguese people DO NOT all live in Rhode Island.

Though the state is home to many Portuguese, Portuguese immigrants can be found all over the world, as well as in their native country of Portugal.

13. Most Portuguese have never been to a catacomb, much less live in one.

Many deceased Portuguese dwell in catacombs as their final resting place, but not until they are already dead.

14. No pope has ever been Portuguese.

In fact, as a PR stunt the Roman Catholic Church has said it will not even consider the idea of a Portuguese pope until the year 2100.

15. Portuguese people are very proud, and are much more dignified than common stereotypes would lead us to believe.

Did you know the Portuguese invented port wine? The very sweet, very strong, virtually unpalatable desert wine is now imitated by several countries for some reason, most notably Australia and the United States.

We hope this has cleared up some issues you might have. If there is anything we forgot to include, please leave us a comment below!

Look: These 16 Epic Halloween Costumes Are Not Funny, Not Cute and Will Make You Look Totally Inconsiderate [NSFW]

Halloween is a day where we all like to have fun, get a little crazy and show off the wacky and quirky sides to our personality. But every year there are some costumes that totally cross the line from cool to totally uncool.

Here's a list of popular costume ideas we don't think anyone should be. EVER. (BTW it's completely epic.)

1. A Deceased Family Member

Family members take death very seriously and it is not fun to make light of it.

Halloween is a day to honor the dead and NOT make fun of them. Especially if that dead person happens to be YOUR OWN GREAT UNCLE.

2. Cigar Store Indian

THIS GUY dressed as a Cigar Store Indian looks like a complete moron.

Sure, they might look stiff and inhuman, but the truth is Cigar Store Indians are a mockery of many different vast, ancient and present cultures.

3. Blackface

Spike Lees demonstrates that Blackface is really weird.

Do we really need to say this, people?

4. Suicidal Version of Yourself

Will not go over well at parties.

Halloween is a day to honor the dead, not to fantasize about your own passing. If this costume idea is all consuming, please seek help.

5. Pedophile

Chicks don't dig Jerry Sandusky.

Dressing up as someone who sexually abuses children is not appropriate on a holiday already known for luring minors into your house with the promise of candy.

6. Aborted Fetus

Show some damn respect you ableist jerk.

 Just because you weren't aborted doesn't mean you have the right to mock people who were. It's 2014, people. Let's try and be a little bit more sensitive.

7. Person With Ebola

It's not like it's even real anyway.

 Although Ebola is completely fictitious and was invented by the Obama Administration to depopulate Africa through the use of lies, thousands of people have still died from this hoax and it's time we stop mocking impoverished people dying slow, horribly painful deaths.

8. Used Tampon From Before Tampons Were Mass-Produced

This is actually really disrespectful.

First of all: eww, gross! Secondly, treat women's bodies with a little respect, guys. If you don't want to see it, don't go shoving it in everyone else's face.

9. Men Covered In Their Own Feces

Groups of men covered in feces are a very popular Halloween costume, despite being inappropriate.

 Chances are people won't get this reference; they'll just be disturbed. Especially if you use real human feces. Is this even a pop culture reference? Bottom line: most people don't want to bob for apples with a bunch of half-naked guys covered in waste.

10. An Actual Dead Body

This was a real man, not a statistic and it is absolutely wrong to wear his corpse as a decoration.

 We shouldn't even have to say this, but taking a body much larger than yourself from a morgue, cutting it open, removing most of the internal organs and wearing it as a Halloween costume is completely inappropriate and could even result in a hefty fine or jail time. If you still wish to adorn this controversial costume, DO IT AT YOUR OWN RISK!

11. Big-Nosed Jew-Guy

This particular costume has been popular for hundreds of years. It's time we tell people who come dressed as The Big-Nosed Jew-Guy to get the heck out of our Halloween party.

 Let's be honest: this costume is old, boring, and particularly offensive to Jewish people. Get with the times, asshole!

12. Patriarchy

I want to kick this man in the neck.

 NO. JUST NO. No way you can come to our Halloween party dressed as PATRIARCHY.

13. Counterfeit Infant Formula

Don't emulate something that's fake. Always be yourself.

 Though statistics can be hard to gather, infants dying of malnutrition despite being fed name-brand formula is a real thing. The sad truth is, it may be harder to find a Counterfeit Infant Formula Costume than to find actual counterfeit infant formula.

14. Counterfeit Insulin

Bottom line is that it sucks! Not allowed in my house.

Diabetes is a worldwide health problem. In many areas where money is in short supply, local pharmacists look for cheap providers of pharmaceuticals. But when these drugs aren't real drugs, they are completely ineffective and can have deadly results. Which is why it's totally not okay to make fun of that kind of thing.

15. Counterfeit Egg

Be loud and clear and let people know if you've been caged, free range, grain fed- EVERYTHING.

 We saw in a documentary that in China it's cheaper to make fake eggs than to produce real ones. So if you are going to be an egg for Halloween, please let your friends, family and coworkers know your costume, despite it not being a real chicken's egg, represents a conceivably edible chicken's egg and not a criminally made artificial egg. EVEN MISREPRESENTING AN EGG AS FREE RANGE WHEN IT IS FROM A CAGED BIRD IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE AND OFFENDERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW.

16. Counterfeit Canada Goose Jackets

Keep it real with a real Canada Goose.

 They might look like the real deal and be much, much less expensive, but the stitching and shit isn't always that good and they probably don't want to keep you as warm as the real ones. But I don't know, I just think it's kind of stupid to wear a jacket like that if you aren't being real, you know?

Occupy My Nutsack

For the last month or whatever protesters have been "occupying" (I am putting this word in quotations because clearly people who aren't employed 24/7 can't be occupied by anything because I say so) in a bunch of cities that don't matter across the continent I happen to live on but don't really care at all about.

Legend has it, these no-talent-bums began this thing on a place in Jew York City called "Wall Street" (BTW- how can a wall be a street? Already we know these guys really suck because they can't get their infrastructure right, am I right folks?) and haven't left since. Then a bunch of other poverty affected cowards decided they didn't want to be as committed as the people in JYC so they made their own hobo camps in their own Podunk hometowns to show "solidarity" with the rest of the so-called "99%" of alleged "humanity." At first I thought it was funny- a bunch of poor people out in the cold and rain freezing to death. But as it turns out these poor people want me to do more than throw quarters at them whilst insisting they dance better and better. They want me to help them. Worse yet- some of them aren't even poor and STILL want me to help poor people! The goddamn nerve of these sons-of-bitches!

I could understand if they were all women or the Blacks/Gays. Sadly folks, they are not. Indeed some of them are white Christian men. In fact the Youtube rumor mill claims that some of them are war veterans. Obviously we know how crazy and homeless war vets are. Why should they help themselves to any of my hard-earned skrilla? Fuck that. I'm watchin' BET instead of some lame assholes complain about how the system sucks. Yeah the system sucks. For you- you deadbeat dickwads.

Look at this dipshit:

I bet he doesn't even have a job! I bet he doesn't even ahahahahshahahhaahahah whatever! He has dreadlocks! Isn't that funny? He wrote his sign on CARDBOARD!! OMFG if only something was misspelled that would be SOOO FUCKIN' FUNNY!!! LOL LMAO WTF!!!!

OK I'm kinda scared these protesters are going kill me. G2G TTYL!

Your pal,
JP