Phew. What a relief! Is it just me or do men stink? You can really smell their presence. Anyway, now that the "white elephants in the room" have left, let's get down to business. I'm going to give you a list of useful tips. Study these. Upon mastering my helpful hints, you are guaranteed to be a "tiger in the sack" and just an all-around A-grade sex queen.
1.Kiss proof lipstick is good because your wine glass won't look like a crayon has been nursing it, but bad because your man won't look like he's getting half the action he deserves. It's important for men to visually express how much lovin' they get on a day to day basis. Think about it. If he's been in the stock room way too long and returns with his shirt haphazardly buttoned, his tie undone and smelling of semen- chances are he'll be fired. It's pretty creepy. What was he doing in there- really? But if he's got a beautiful lady's kissprints all over his sweaty face it puts him in context. The boss will give him a wink and kindly imply that he should get back to work. End of story.
2. Ugg boots are unattractive. They say it in the name, well, almost. If you do have them, wear them so you don't need to wear a sweater. NEVER, EVER wear Ugg boots in the snow. They aren't waterproof. It's common mistakes like this that remind the world that men are better at sports and math. Though they should be avoided in most situations, in a pinch you are better off wearing them during your lovemaking than nothing at all. One thing is for certain: cowgirl boots are a lot sexier.
3. Snakeskin = Dangerously Sexy. Therefore buy as many tightfitting articles of snakeskin clothing possible. Snakeskin pants, miniskirts, boots, g-strings- homicidally sexy stuff. I'm gonna have to move on to the next tip; this is getting too sexy even for me (and I coined the term "sexioholic".)
4. Carry red wine with you wherever you go. I know from personal experience that the ladies "get in the mood" quite eagerly with a little help from Mr. Robert Modavi's merlots. Don't get the most expensive bottle. There are fewer things less attractive than drinking from a bottle nearly as old as yourself. You don't want your man to think he can't satisfy your thirst for the finer things in life.
5. Wear a lot of make-up, hairspray, large pieces of costume jewelry and carry a fake Fendi handbag. I'm not going to say why, just do it. But don't overdo the perfume because that shit makes my head spin.
6. Rollerskates, rollerderbies, rollerblades, rollerhockey. Get enthusiastic about wheels beneath your feet.
7. Even if you aren't "bi" or "gay", make out with other women on a regular basis. Even if you do recieve unwanted attention from the lesbian community, the man you've been eyeing all night will be sure to notice. If you keep up the good work, you'll have to beat him off with a stick once you've had enough of him.
That's it for now. If you have trouble with reading words and would prefer the audio tape edition, please send $19.95 + $3.79 S/H in a check or money order to:
JP's Tips for the Ladies
P.O. Box 55
Essex, CT 06426
P.O. Box 55
Essex, CT 06426
Your pal,
John
***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
You can stop reading now because I just gave you seven.
