New Trouble For Hispañola

The Island of Hispañola (much to my surprise occupied by both the Dominican Republic and the Republic of Haiti) was hit incredibly hard by the most powerful earthquake to hit the island in the last 200 years on its western Haitian side.

If you didn't know that yet, there is an estimated 100,000 deaths and about 20% of buildings in the capital Port-au-Prince have been reduced to ruins. Now I didn't hear about this until recently. I had my Blackberry on "silent" since January 11th and missed hoards of emails from the Associated Press. But the main reason I didn't know is because I'm a baseball fan, and I'm not sure what sports they play on that side of Hispañola. I'll take a wild guess and say soccer.


Fun Fact! Did you know that Haiti gained independence from France on January 1st, 1804? That makes it the second oldest independent nation in the Americas!

All games aside, there are a lot of good reasons why Americans don't know much about Haiti. The number one reason is that it's not in America. Peurto Rico is. The number two reason: no Haitian bars or baseball players. Simple fact.

The Dominican Republic, on the other hand, has produced the second most Major League Baseball players out of every nation in the world. And it produces more merengue than any other country and the world. And it has an awesome reggaeton scene. And the owners of my favorite bar, Pinche Pendejo's (on 34th), are Dominican. Therefore, the Dominican Republic is pretty much my second home. This, and the fact that I dated a Haitian girl in junior high school gives me the right to have an opinion about the earthquake in Haiti. My opinion is that they need help.

Before our government starts sending down sandwiches, it's important to look at what will help Haitians for the long term. There are key questions we should ask ourselves:

1. Who aside from Wyclef Jean is a famous Haitian?
2. What language do they speak in Haiti?
3. Where is a good Haitian bar to frequent?
4. If exposed to baseball, will Haitians ever outplay Dominicans?
5. How do you send aid to Haiti if the airports and shipping docks are destroyed?
6. Does Haiti have a president, prime minister or king? Why?

Before handling any sensitive topic one should ask oneself questions. It's best not to tackle an obstacle before knowing the facts first.
W5 + H = good journalism.

Take a lesson from baseball. Imagine you are pitching to a big-hitting batter like Sammy Sosa in 1999. The Cubs have two outs with two men on base. You're playing for a shit team like the Royals. Do you think he's going to bunt? No. Why the hell would he bunt with two outs and two men on base? The catcher touches his nuts with one finger. You throw the slider, just to trip him out. Strike one. The catcher touches his nuts with four fingers, then with only two. You're feeling nervous. You throw a fastball. Strike two. What do you do now? Stand there like an idiot or finish the inning? You decide to finish the inning. The catcher signals for the high heat. Sosa hits the third pitch and it's a home run.

Now imagine Haiti was the pitcher. Sammy Sosa represents the earth. The third pitch is the quake and the home run is the crisis.

Then picture the Philadelphia Phillies on opening day and the owner of the Philadelphia Flyers is throwing the first pitch. It doesn't need to be a strike because it's a first pitch. It doesn't even need to clear home plate.

In that scenario, the owner of the Flyers represents Obama in his hometown but in the wrong "sports league." Philadelphia, of course, represents Washington D.C. and the Phillies are the Republican Party. The earthquake happened in "the Republic of Haiti" and Obama is a Democrat. Though ethnically comparable to 95% of Haitians, is a Democrat able to do a Republican's job?

Fun Fact! Did you know the first recorded game of baseball with codified rules was played in Hoboken, New Jersey only 42 years, 6 months and 19 days after Haiti became the second country in the Americas to gain independence?

If you are still confused, that's okay. Life can be confusing. Patience is a virtue. Baseball is America's Favorite Past Time. And it's a game played with confidence.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
When putting on your make-up this morning, don't use glitter. It'll get all over your man making him look flitty. You don't want your lady friends thinking your man is a flit, do you? On top of that, glitter on your face doesn't look good. Unless you are dressed really fancy because then you've made it interesting. Your man will think, "Why does this good-looking, well-dressed dame put all that terrible shit on her face?" Imagine if your sparkles were all natural. It's an enticing element of mystery your man will never forget.

Band-aid Solutions For Black People

With Black History Month coming up in less than three weeks and Martin Luther King Jr. Day here in only one week, it's time we get into the spirit of the season. And every year it's the same thing. As soon as Christmas is over all the malls hang up red, black and green banners. Every radio station plays nothing but Motown hits, and even Starbucks has peanut-flavored coffee (George Washington Carver you never cease to impress us.) A lot of us think the same thing: Black History has become way too commercialized. That's why this history season I'd like us to really examine the true meaning of Black History.

Black History goes beyond singers, musicians, athletes and peanut-specialists. It's pretty cool when you read about it. I'm not going to make you sit here reading about Black History- you can do that on your own time. What I'm going to do is encourage you to examine Black History as it happens.

Anyone with half a brain knows what happened on December 1st, 1955 on a public bus in Montgomery, Alabama. Just like anyone with half a brain knows what American abolitionist, women's suffragist, editor, orator, author, statesman and reformer died February 20, 1895. But what I found out just recently is although segregation has been illegal for some time, there are no widely distributed mainstream Band-aid brand bandages for African-Americans. That's right. As Barack Obama sits on his golden throne in the Oval Office, poor children in the Bronx need to put a Caucasian colored self-adhesive bandage on their proud African skin. The same goes for Indian Americans (and American Indians) but they don't buy as many Band-aids.

Before I continue, let it be known I am refering to the Johnson & Johnson BAND-AID Brand and not the charity supergroup Band Aid, writers of the Christmas classic Do They Know It's Christmas? a hit song that claims it never rains in Africa.

According to African-Canadian filmographer and social activist Cha-nese Peterson, "Band-aids are racist because they boast universal healing but only offer one exclusive 'flesh-tone.' At the same time to bring everyone together and heal the world requires a Band-aid solution [no pun int.] which is bound to exclude and offend at least one minority group which brings band-aids right back to where they started." Peterson pauses to lick her lips and bat her eyelashes. "The smart thing to do would have been to make them transparent from the get go."

"Band-aids are about as racist as a pack of crayons. But that's like a whole nother playground topic." Hip slang and hip hips. Peterson is one activist that's wit it.

A transparent Band-aid? Not a bad idea. But why would there be Spider Man Band-aids and none Afro-appropriate? Do they expect us to believe that there is a minority race living amongst us with blue skin covered in tiny pictures of a Spider Man? They think this race is larger than the entire African American population? It's quite clear that S.C. Johnson is not a Black family company.

On a side note, the charity supergroup Band Aid is very responsible comparitively. Though they undermine African people and the richness of their land, and the band only made one popular song, and although it never put a scrap of gold or penny in my pocket I believe Band Aid has done me good and will do me good and I say God bless it. Hey- they tried and that's all that matters. An "A" for effort. One thing is for sure- as long as our European rock stars continuing to do their "best," one day there will be a Band-aid for Black America.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
I was looking on Craigslist for "creative gigs" and I stumbled across this. Thought you might be interested ;)

Are you in need of waxing (Toronto)

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Date: 2010-01-11, 5:20PM EST
Reply to: gigs-hptdh-1548070784@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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I am a student and I am learning about how to wax in a professional spa. I am looking for people who are willing to have waxing done.

It would be a free service by the spa owner, I would be present to watch and learn. In addition, you would be compensated well. Areas of focus would be legs, bikini, stomach, thighs

Asap please email asap

appointments can be made on the same day

• Location: Toronto
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

PostingID: 1548070784

Halle Berry Security Bypass?

MONTREAL, P.Q. -- Friday afternoon was an embarrassing day for travelers departing at Montreal-Trudeau Airport as they continued to stand in line for security while actress Halle Berry, her boyfriend and 22-month old daughter were allowed to bypass the "much needed" metal detectors and X-ray scans.

I see multiple problems with this situation. Now I don't believe Halle Berry, her unwed Canadian lover nor their unmarried-parents-having daughter are to blame. It's not their fault for being better at the Game of Life than most of us. It is a pretty sweet game with bumps and mansions, and if you don't get fire insurance you might really drift up a crick without a paddle. The problem with the situation rests with the Montreal police and the apathetic passengers who did not yell "stupid Amerrycans!" and throw loaves of baguette smothered in brie at the celebrity couple.

This is a rather complex issue that hits the core of our American belief set. Since most Americans are getting stupider as the days wear on and technology progresses I will walk you through the basics of the Berry Bypass incident.

1. It happened in Canada (outside of the US). Should it really be considered newsworthy? In foreign countries the police are always corrupt and celebrities get away with murder. Like when Matthew Broderick killed those people in Ireland. That "news story" was the yawn heard around the world.

2. The French aren't as rude as we'd like them to be. Why didn't the police call Berry ignorant before she requested special treatment? What did the officers think they would receive by being Berry's bitch? A great idea for an independent movie? (BTW- great idea for an independent movie: Being Berry's Bitch.)

3. Obama. You'd think during his first term in office he'd do something right and not allow 90s movie stars to waltz through a line that the writer of the Pescado would most likely need to stand through. With only three years till his reelection, one would think this poor decision would strike fear in his heart.

4. Berry's agent Toni Howard wasn't even immediately available to comment on the event. This kind of apathy is eating away at the core of American society like an earthworm to a Golden Delicious (my personal favorite.) Straighten up and fly right, Toni Howard. What are you- a mix between Toni Braxton and Adina Howard? You think you are the one true Mega Diva? Then be available to comment when the Associated Press wants to talk to you. Those giants can make or break your coke-head-Hollywood ass. Show some respect. Even if the story isn't even newsworthy.

If you ever find yourself being pushed around by a celebrity remember the Three S's of Self Defense: sock, spit, shout. Always end in shouting so you can convince people around you that the celebrity started the fight.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
When trying to please your man, never ever cry. It's so unbelievably terrible you should consider yourself very lucky if he does call back. In the rare case that he does, try crying again. Let him know that "it's your thing" and that if he ever wants to be with you he'd "better get used to it." Cry all the time. Cry when you are putting on your make-up so you can walk around with that "running mascara" look Goth guys probably dig. I'd imagine NASCAR fans would like that too. Not exactly sure why.

Swine Flu (or H1N1 If You Want to Be a Dick About It)

The Swine Flu threat level has been at Orange and above since Summer '09. It would be great to say, "Swine Flu? That's sooo last decade." Not the case. It's still here. It's still the most disgusting plague to strike the sinners of the earth since either Ebola or AIDS (feel free to choose one or the other.)

You might be thinking, "Swine Flu would be very uncomfortable, but AIDS and Ebola are certainly more life-threatening. In fact, Ebola does in ten days what it takes AIDS to do in ten years." Note that I never said Swine Flu is a deadlier disease or less curable. I said it's disgusting. Pigs are disgusting creatures that eat their own shit and fart out of their mouths when they talk. And they look kind of like super-inbred humans.

If you really want to compare Swine Flu to AIDS: think about this. When you contract Swine Flu people will think you just sat next to some immune deficient wimp on a Mexican airplane. Or worse, you slept with a pig. When you get AIDS it's quite obvious what had been happening. You were partying like a fuckin' rock star since 1988. Sharing needles, unprotected anal sex- all the taboos that make life seem mysteriously (and vulgarly) sensational. And you receive a copy of a directory of people you can have sex with. It's like every night is New Years Eve, only you are dying very slowly.

What really irks me is when the liberal media uses the term H1N1. It makes it seem like a chemical formula instead of something to be ashamed of. Swineys will be saying, "Sorry I can't party with you guys. My doctor said I have H1N1 and need to rest. I wish I could be there. Have fun!" What the hell is that supposed to mean? Did you accidentally spill hydrogen peroxide in an area of your hair you weren't trying to bleach? How am I supposed to accuse you of beastiality with a term like that? You know that virtually every flu virus contracted by a human is H1N1? Be more specific. Any swiney referring to their condition as H1N1 is depriving the listener of a good old fashioned grossed-out recoil. [Editor's note: there was no available footage of Glenn Beck's face being ejaculated on to link "a good old fashioned grossed-out recoil."]

This may come as a surprise to many: I still have not received my flu shot. I do not believe in it. (Much like I do not believe in the use of contractions.) Not that I do not want to be sick, I simply do not like the current visual presentation. The vaccine should be a bright green color and the syringe needs to be much larger. It should also have a picture of a pig's skull with a red circle around it and a line going through it like a no-smoking sign. Just like the picture above. That is why I made the picture- to show you, because I care.

In conclusion, we need to put an end to AIDS, Ebola and Swine Flu. And we need to put an end to giving scary-ass sounding diseases pussy-ass sounding names. It's a fact we all need to face. What good will turning into a society of wimps do? Get our asses kicked by a bunch of terrorists? You can see the issue goes far beyond my personal taste and is truly in the heart of homeland security.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
STDs and STIs are very unattractive, so wash your underparts with soap and water after having unprotected sex. That's what hookers did in the 1930s and the worst STD they faced was syphilis. Not bad, eh?

Twenty-Ten and the Aught-Decade-Wrap-Up

In slightly less than 3 years the world will end and everyone will despise the song "Empire State of Mind" if they haven't begun to already. As history continues to repeat itself we are faced with the lack of opportunity to change anything. Alas, multinational corporations will continue to call the shots and everything we know about Global Warming won't do us any good.

But what about the bright side of the new decade?

If you ask me (which you already have), this new decade is just one big bright side. Seriously. The second Jay-Z and Alicia Keys get off the airwaves is the second Boogie Town Records has to jump right on. And who doesn't want that to happen? Communists? Terrorists? Squares? I'd say all of them. It's up to the raddest and the freshest of the Twenty-Teen decade (this is a hypothetical term relying on the assumption the world will continue to exist after December 21st, 2012) to ensure anything cool does flourish.

As this decade progresses we will begin to see touch screens on just about everything. Then touch screens will be replaced by "touch objects" (three dimensional textured versions of the touch screen that you can throw, kick and bite in order to preform different functions.) Everything will be voice activated and some devices will be swear activated. If your smart phone freezes you can say, "Fuck this stupid piece of shit!" and a new one will be on its way, apology letter in hand.

New developments in music will have everything on auto tune. For musicians this means you will only need to know how to play a keyboard (and keyboards will be voice activated so all you need to do it hum). Just slap your bass any damn way you feel like, record it on a computer with the tune you already want to play programmed in, and it will sound the way you intended. It will be great because you won't need to think about anything.

Contemporary dance will also shift to a more user-friendly interface. Ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas? What am I asking- you probably saw it last week. Remember when Charlie is trying to direct the Christmas play and everyone just keeps on dancing? Learn one of those dances and keep at it. That's all you'll need to know. Position your arms straight out in front of your shoulders and slowly run in place. That's the hottest way to dance right now. Don't believe me? Go to the hottest club in your city. If no one's dancing like that there then they don't know what's hot for 2010.

The best part about this new decade is finally we can say "twenty" instead of "two thousand." It pissed me off so bad for so long to always say "two thousand and nine" or "two thousand and five." Get a life, Last Decade. You had no soul.

What will make the most significant cultural impact in the next ten years is the release of Rifle Comics Thug G Series on December 21st, 2012. It will completely redefine reality.

Keep checkin' back in for new updates in life improvement.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
It's a new decade so try something new to please your man. If you listened to R&B to "get your groove on" last decade, switch to Boogie Town Records. If you used Southern slang last decade to express your "crunk" or to "git yerr freak on", switch to "Boogie tawk." It's similar to Southern slang but you say the word "boogie" a whole lot more. Let me give you an example:

Southern Slang [SS]: The party was aiight till them fools start fightin' an three of dem got hawled off in a ambalance.

Boogie Tawk [BT]: Well that boogie was boogiein' just ok till them boogie flops started to boogie with some knives and stabbed up them boogies so hard they got taken to the boogie hospital boogie. Ya'll can boogie that to GoldCa$$h.

As long as you take the same amount of time to say the sentence it flows OK. Try it out- boogie fact!