Do's and Don'ts For Visiting Family This Holiday Season

The question has been asked by literally thousands of Jesus Pescado readers this holiday season- "What the F am I supposed to do (and not supposed to do) while visiting relatives for Christmas and/or Chanukah and/or Kwanzaa?"

According to Coleridge the guy who came up with Kwanzaa was a Black-power-movement-back-stabber. And according to Jesus Pescado, Chanukah presents are seldom comparable in quality to Christmas presents. So let's forget I said anything about holidays other than Christmas.

I'll rephrase the question.

"What the F am I supposed to do (and not supposed to do) while visiting relatives for Christmas?"

DO: Watch good Christmas movies. Don't know any? Here is my comprehensive list, including every single good Christmas movie ever made.

1. A Muppet Christmas Carol. Quite possibly the best Christmas movie ever made. This post-mortem Jim Henson production kicks the crap out of any other Charles Dickens flick.

2. A Muppet Family Christmas. Made by Jim Henson (and includes a cameo), this is possibly the best Muppet Movie ever made (with the exception of The Muppet Movie.) Also, it stars the same guy who plays the bartender in Boondock Saints.

3. Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas. Another Jim Henson feat of greatness. Socialist and lovable, even if your uncle Joe's last name is Stalin you can enjoy this one.

DON'T: Get drunk of egg nog and bang a relative or two. That's absolutely disgusting and I can't believe you brought that up.

DO: Buy presents for relatives you are fond of. Here is my comprehensive list of good presents.

1. Nintendo Wii. Everybody's favorite video game system. With a near virtual reality style of game play this is one of the most interactive gifts this holiday season. And it's great for all ages.

2. Sam Adam's Winter Lager. For the 21+ relatives (sorry, Canadians, it's not available at The Beer Store) this dark wheat beer is spiced specifically for the season. Delicious, refreshing and warming, you can't go wrong gifting this treat. Good for alcoholic family members too! (Don't be in denial- you have several.)

3. Braun 5270 Silk-épil X'elle Body System Epilator. Great for the ladies (and still works for the gents.) Stylish and perfectly designed, fin3d this beauty on sale at Amazon.com for only $51.16!

4. The 2010 Kawasaki Jet Ski 800 SX-R. You are a pussy if you don't get this for Christmas.

DON'T: Making presents for you family members. No one wants your bad art or a dream catcher (or even worse a God's Eye.) It's terrible form. You'll look both cheap and untalented.

DO: Having a fire in your fireplace or wood stove. There is no cozier way to celebrate the Birth of Our Savior Christ Jesus. It also refers to the ancient pagan ritual Yule (which most Christmas traditions are based around.) Now I'm no "academic" that can cite the history of the Yule log, but I can only assume that those blood thirsty bastards were sacrificing virgins and shit with that thing. It's pretty cool to think about while everybody is talking about this "peace on earth" garbage.

DON'T: Celebrating Christmas at a family member's house with no fire place or wood burning stove. Face the fact that the idea of Santa delivering presents through the back door is a crock load of bullshit. You gotta be chock-full-o-nuts to buy that one. It's not his style. It's too bait. It will look like a B and E. Celebrating Christmas without Santa Claus is like throwing a surprise party for someone who doesn't exist. All your friends will be like, "When's Craig Mattson coming?" And you'll be like, "Any minute now." After a couple hours everyone will start to leave one by one because the party was terrible.

DO: Compile my Tips for the Ladies into a neat little book and give them to your female family members as stocking stuffers. They will never forget. Please note that reproduction of information found in this blog is punishable by law. In a case where the copyright owner sustains the burden of proving, and the court finds, that infringement was committed willfully, the court in its discretion may increase the award of statutory damages to a sum of not more than $150,000. In a case where the infringer sustains the burden of proving, and the court finds, that such infringer was not aware and had no reason to believe that his or her acts constituted an infringement of copyright, the court in its discretion may reduce the award of statutory damages to a sum of not less than $200. The court shall remit statutory damages in any case where an infringer believed and had reasonable grounds for believing that his or her use of the copyrighted work was a fair use under section 107, if the infringer was: (i) an employee or agent of a nonprofit educational institution, library, or archives acting within the scope of his or her employment who, or such institution, library, or archives itself, which infringed by reproducing the work in copies or phonorecords; or (ii) a public broadcasting entity which or a person who, as a regular part of the nonprofit activities of a public broadcasting entity (as defined in subsection (g) of section 118) infringed by performing a published nondramatic literary work or by reproducing a transmission program embodying a performance of such a work.

Have a happy and healthy Christmas season. Eat well and be merry (and say "hi" to your hot aunt Maggie with the big tits for me.)

Your pal,

John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***

If you are a smoker, only smoke long, thin cigarettes. You need to express your gender in every activity you encounter, and this is a good way to stay feminine and sexy. If you are a non-smoker, still purchase long, thin cigarettes but don't light them as often. How the hell can you attract a man (ever) if you are smoking anything shorter than 100s? (Or worse, how will he know you'll have sex with him if you never smoke?) Your man will never forget.

Woody Harrelson and Brittany Murphy

As any true King of the Hill fan knows, on December 20th Brittany Murphy died of a heart attack. The results from her autopsy aren't haven't yet been released, so we don't know what caused the episode. I can only assume it was due to the cancellation of the best cartoon show ever.

Coincidentally, at 4:30 AM on December 20th I finished watching Natural Born Killers for the first time in my life.

Seeing Woody Harrelson playing the most bad-assed fella to ever walk in the United States of America filled me with hope that one day things will get better. Hippies will acquire guns and won't allow Rupert Murdoch to kill young, beautiful and talented actresses. After finishing the movie I Googled Woody's name to see what my old friend is up to (I smoked a couple bowls with him behind an Ethiopian restaurant back in '04.) Apparently he has taken time off of acting to get into activism promoting natural and organic products, industrial hemp and veganism. Now that's great, but I got something to say.

Hey Woody- what ever happened to the GUNS?

Don't get me wrong- there are plenty of things you can do with pot plants besides smoke them. You can plant them around police stations, parliamentary buildings, post offices- the list of hemp's uses is virtually unlimited. But all the rest of the website looks like its for old ladies and little girls. So I continued to search for results involving his name.

It turns out Woody recently punched a paparazzi photographer in the face at an airport because he thought the TMZ employee was a zombie. That might not reflect greatly on the push to legalize recreational use of marijuana, but it's an honest mistake. If I had a dollar for every time I had to punch a real zombie in the face for taking pictures of me I'd be a GD millionaire. Because those MFs travel in packs. Which is why Woody had to have been stoned to mistake only one guy for a zombie. Also- punching a zombie in the face does nothing. You need a shotgun.

Now I almost made the same mistake in Toronto this year when I accidentally came across a "zombie parade" in late October. I panicked and was about to open fire on these posers; thank God I punched one in the face first and made it bleed its own blood because as we all know real zombies only have dry blood.

That aside, Woody (if you are reading this) give me a call, homey 'cause I've got to talk to you about zombie politics and toughening up the hippies of today. Against zombies, Murphy-killers and ladies who don't take to my tips. But I smoked you up the last time so make sure you got a bag of that Louis Armstrong konbud.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
Drinking beer makes you "one of the guys." Don't do it. Stick to cosmopolitans, Smirnoff Ices, anything proper fellas don't touch. It's sexy and it get you feeling sexier. Let's be honest- it's hard to get drunk off beer. It takes too long. Bust out that Southern Comfort with ginger ale and grenadine. Your man will be in awe.

Fly Porter

Just days after Scottish Airline Flyglobespan declared bankruptcy, I am on the Canadian equivalent rockin' and rollin' like I'm made out of yuan. Free drinks and the whole s***; I'm feeling pretty awesome. And I'm damn proud of my use of the semicolon. 

But that's not the real reason I'm writing this. They didn't offer me any financial compensation for the article you are currently reading, so Porter Airlines doesn't deserve any good press. They say there is no such thing as bad publicity, but that's a crock full of BS. You gotta be chock-full-o-nuts if you believe in anything that silly. Right now I'm gonna speak out about an issue everyone is thinking.

Fuck air travel. Fuck security. It's a piss off and a half. Sure we all gotta be safe; it makes sense. So they should just search everyone but me. Because I am famous and great. 

Now that that has been said let's move on to a pressing topic. I have a friend in Montreal (who shall remain nameless) that is super dope and I'd like to give her a shout out. CN, if you are reading this, I'd like you to know that sometimes I wish I was made of potato and salted only lightly.

Have a great holiday, y'all (we know what holiday I'm talking about.) And for those of you who complain about my use of the first person in journalism, I hope you don't get crap all from Saint Nick.

Your pal,

John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***

Take your man out on a date this holiday season. Buy him a ticket to the local NBA game of your choice, maybe some spicy Indian food after. When the night is complete bring him home for a good old fashioned romp-around. He'll never forget!

Questions and Queries

How do you do, folks?

It's statements like this that make Our Culture fantastic. It's called a "question." And if you send a $14 dollar check or money order to me, you can ask a question too. Such as, "Why do you write a column many days of the week for no pay?"

Alas, if you ask me a question like that I will keep your money and not answer it. But if you are a lady who needs to find new methods of pleasing her man then I'm good as gold. That's what I'm best at. Or if your girlfriend is being a snobby-ass bitch, I can help with that too. And if your manager is a good-for-nothing cracker, I'll dish spoonfuls of honky jokes on his ass. Because that's what friends are for. And I consider anyone who stops by J's Pescado to be a friend, and not in the hokey sense of the word. You are a true friend, and friends do shit for each other. Hard shit. We got to have each others backs because when shit goes down it ain't just my ass on the line.

Anywho, if you have a question or query please send it to:

RasJohn@gmail.com

Please title the email MEMO: Q's & Q's

If the email is titled something else I won't open it.

Your pal,
John

***A Tip for the Ladies***
When naming your children always keep me in mind. I'm a good guy and your kids would very much enjoy being named after me. Even if it doesn't drive your man wild at first, once it wears on him it definitely will. Give it about six months. Let's recap: for a boy you name him Johnny C. and for a girl you name her Joanie C. Feel free to attach your last name on there.

This Decade's "Top Ten"

The long awaited and highly anticipated list is here! Feel free to share this on your Facebook, Twitter, and BlackPlanet accounts.

John's Top Ten of Everything to Happen From Aught-Aught to Aught-Nine

10. Global Warming. I love saying it and I'll say it again, "I told ya-so." Which brings me to the number nine.

9. The Grand Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini. He's been causing a lot of mischief out east with his blatant disregard for nuclear disarmament and has been continuing to enrich uranium like a son of a bitch. And he's been denying his citizens their right to vote. I'd like to say right now to Barack Obama (I know you are reading this, Barack, and don't think I don't remember about that twenty bucks you owe me) I-a-told-ya this Ayatollah is no good.

8. Financial Crisis. Just when we thought our stock piles of jet skis, overstuffed leather armchairs and Louis Vuitton suitcases would never run out, Old Man Winter 2008 made us pinch every penny in our pockets like a nation full of chumps. Let's face it. The very idea of eating at home and taking the bus to work (if you still have a job) is completely and utterly unAmerican. And I'm sure it's unCanadian too but Canadian's don't have the guts to put their balls to the wall like I do. I-a-didn't-see-this-one-coming. Anyone who did is probably a spy for al-Qaeda. Which brings me to number seven on the list.

7. al-Qaeda. Not only am I sick of their financial-crisis-causing-asses but I'm sick of being expected to spell their name correctly. From now on when you read your daily Jesus Pescado it shall be spelled olkayduh. It's a lot easier for us Yankees to say. Practice. First say "okay" but jam an L in their. Then say "duh." Like you don't think too much. It's simple.

6. Nintendo Wii. Contrary to popular belief the reason I've included this system (the best system of all time) isn't only because they paid me, it's because it actually is the best video game system of all time. With PS3 being a close second. Why is PS3 in second place? The games are too hard and don't have enough fun colors. Some of you might be thinking, "I can watch Blu-Ray on my PS3, surf the internet- even hook 30 PS3s up together and make my own NASA quality super-computer." Clearly you haven't been playing Super Smash Brothers because that game makes the moon landing look like shit.

5. Chupacabra. This decade has brought us years closer to finding this sun of a bitch. I'm still not sure who I'd rather see caught: Chupacabra or Osama bin Laden. Perhaps they hide in the same cave and it will be a two-for-one deal.

4. The Internet. Yeah, you're right. It first became common place in homes in the nineties and I'm too late. But not really. Sure we had the internet in the nineties but it sucked then. Pets.com? Webcrawler? All those fly-by-night bullshits? Back in those days the internet sucked and you'd spend an hour trying to see a single photo of a chick's ass. And you had to pay for service by the hour. I remember kids that their family only had 6 hours of internet a month, and to dial up they were charged for long distance calling. Now all I have to do is think hard enough and my brain will pick up an internet signal. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm not at a computer. I'm just thinking. Thank you, This Decade*!

*It still is a bitch trying to refer to this decade with a single word. I'm pretty damn disappointed that the media hasn't figured this out yet.

3. My 21st Birthday. That was fuckin' sweet. For two years now I've been able to buy and drink booze in any country where alcohol hasn't been banned completely (Saudi Arabia, you disappoint me.) If there is a "heroin age" in the Netherlands I'm probably good for that too. OH WHOA- what if like the "bronze age" and the "stone age" there was also a "heroin age"? Oh wait. I think that happened when Nirvana was popular. Nevermind.

2. September 11th. I'd be a terrorist if I didn't include it.

1. Jeans That Are Faded on the Front of the Legs and the Back Pockets. These things are awesome. Everybody's got them and you are a nobody without them. They are quite possibly the best innovation this millenium will ever see.

There you have it. If you are low on money this holiday season you can always print off copies of this list and use them as stocking stuffers for your family and friends.

Your pal,

John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
I'm gonna be leaving Friday and won't have much time to update the blog, but you can still write to my email and my assistant will get back to you. Please do not send any nude photos unless they are tasteful (for tasteless photos please send them to my Yahoo! email.) My wife gets mad when she sees them.

New BlackBerry

Last year we were all thinking the same thing: when the "H" is John going to get his "A" a BlackBerry(R)? Finally this week all your prayers have been answered. I finally have a business-confident mobile device. And there is a slight chance it was assembled by Cha-Nese Peterson.

Now I thought it would be hella-kickass to write this entry from my BlackBerry(R). Sadly it's "running low on battery" so I got to write from my friend's computer (like a pussy.)

I'm sorry guys. I'll shut up about my phone and get on to a very real problem.

Just like Chris Brown leaked nude photos of Rhianna, my former confidant Corinne Ton That leaked some suprisingly risque photos of myself exercising. Posting them on her Facebook account, she has exploited my body and I blame the media. Really, Corinne. Think about the "F"ing children. When these kids see a role model like me in that context they won't be thinking, "Hey, this guy has pretty strong gloots," but instead, "I should be dressing like my role model John and exposing my nutsack." I can't believe you, Corinne. Posting those photos is beyond socially irresponsible. It's electronically reprehensible. A blatant misuse of media.

I'll say it again: I blame the media. These days, it's the media's fault for everything. The media is everywhere and is corrupting American life and the children, so I'd like to take a minute to figure out what exactly this whole "media" really is.

According to Merriam Webster, "media" is the plural version of "medium." And according to Marshall McLuhan, "The medium is the message."

So we need to make sure we don't have any messages. Say stuff, speak your mind, just don't have any point or sense of logic. This way we can avoid the media as much as possible and save America and our children.

Your pal,

John

"A Tip for the Ladies"
The foxiest ladies have the foxiest names. Who'd date a "Beth" when they could have a Crystal or Jasmine? So when changing your name and naming your daughters it's good to refer to pornos and strip club marquees. It's just a little technique your man will NEVER forget. And that's something McLuhan can put in his Canadian-assed pot-pipe and smoke on.

Where the"H" is Bill Murray When You Need Him?

Okay, so we are all pretty much thinking the same thing. Every time Christmas rolls around, anxiety strikes us all forcing us into a robotic mindset known as shopoholism. Now I've never been too much a fan of the shopohol myself (unless the liquor store counts, but my therapist tells me it's still known as alcoholism).

In order to vaccinate ourselves of this mental disease I suggest the following:

Each time you celebrate one holiday, secretly be celebrating the next.

Take Christmas for instance. (Actually, this only really works for Christmas and other people's birthdays.) When you sit around the family fire next to the family tree, chances are the presents you got your relatives and friends are not going to be that good. According to Stats Canada, your presents have a 95% chance of being returned or regifted. So why celebrate Christmas in your heart when it's only going to let you down?

I know what you're thinking. "New Years Eve" is too wild and crazy to celebrate myself in the bottom of my heart all alone by myself. And you are absolutely right. Save "New Years Eve" for snorting copious amounts of cocaine with the guy who used to beat you up in high school because the truth is, it is only once a year. So we go on to the next holiday. Not Martin Luther King Jr. Day because nobody really celebrates it and you already get the day off for Christmas. With all respect to MLK, nobody paints chicken eggs, wastes tons of money or blows off their hands in an attempt to celebrate his legacy. Plus Jesus was Black and he's a superior hero to anybody else. Sorry MLK but he's got you beat.

The next holiday is Groundhog Day. Which is perfect because for Christmas I'm going to Aurora, Illinois where they filmed the cinematic equivalent.

Groundhog Day is a holiday celebrating delusion and day time hallucinations in America. It is a day where everybody experiences déjà vu and waits for a lovable woodchuck to climb down the chimney and distribute six weeks of winter to the house guests. And this Groundhog's Day I'd like to invite Bill Murray back to Aurora, Illinois to celebrate Christmas with me and my family.

So Bill Murray, if you are out there and you Google your own name regularly, holler at your homey, fella. Punxsutawny just ain't the same without ya!

Your pal,

John

P.S. "A Tip For The Ladies"

>If you are looking to "please your man" this holiday season, DO NOT wear tan/flesh colored nylons. Those things are disgusting and make you look like you are wearing soiled white stockings. Instead, where white stockings. Especially if you aren't white. I can't stress it enough how much dark skinned women should wear white stockings. It'll trip your man out. It's like, "Whoa, where are you from? Half Bengali, half space alien?" Even Bengali men will think it's exotic! Your man will be sure to think you look "out of this world" (no pun intended, LOL!)

Cha-Nese's Suggestion

On behalf of Cha-Nese Peterson I have decided to make a blog. She said I'd be a good "alternative journalist" and all that made me think of are those idiots who write for free newspapers funded by rampant local prostitution. They don't relay any factual information, just a bunch of bullshit opinions.

The truth is I already have two blogs, but I guess I need another one in order to suck just a little more.

I named the blog "Jesus Pescado." Please note that the name "Jesus" shall be pronounced "Hey-Zues" and "Pescado" shall be pronounced "Pess-Kah-Do." It sounds like a delicious martial art. So check in as frequently as possible and you'll recieve discipline in mind, body and spirit, even if it's been a while since the last update.

I have a few more lines I can fill so I'll give you all some advice and candid information that may prove beneficial in years to come.

1. OCAD (Ontario College of Art and Design) is really gay. Like faggy gay. Not like it's exclusively for homosexuals but it sucks proverbial dick. On the contrary, they don't teach people to write for shitty free newspapers funded by rampant local prostitution.

2. In order to communicate instantaneously, fish use a sophisticated computerized network known as "sea-mail."

3. Check out THEO'S PAGE OF GLOCKS AND HOW MUCH Y'ALL SUCK at www.angelfire.com/biz4/yallsuck This is probably the best thing still on the 'net since 1996.

4. For the ladies: when you are trying to please your man, it's a lot "foxier" if you have a hat on. It's like, "How did she get so naked without taking off the hat?" Or, "Is she worried about the sun getting in her eyes?" Either way, it adds an element of mystery to your lovemaking men find IRRESISTABLE.

Well there you have it. I'll be on my way now, but thanks for droppin' by!

Your pal,

John