Hey Hockey, Did Anyone Ever Tell You That You Look Like Your Dad? Yeah, I Mean Canada.

VANCOUVER, B.C. - On the day Canadian media personnel were calling "Super Sunday", the Canadian Olympic team was thrashed by the all-star Team USA. Despite two power plays in the third period, Team Canada couldn't win nothing. The game ended with a blowout score (5-3, USA) and Canadians walked their shamed-ass asses back to their neighbouring home towns.

Hockey, as we know it, shall no longer be dominated by Canadians. But fear not, Canada, for this is a good thing. The rest of the world has a firm grip on the notion that hockey is indeed a legitimate sport with entertainment value (unlike curling) and that athletes needn't begin their career on a peewee league sponsored by Dave Thomas's (founder of Wendy's) doughnut holes. Hockey has been canonized into world culture much like every other great activity to trickle over to America.

Canada, you birthed hockey and nurtured it. You regurgitated earthworms into its mouth. Respect. But if you love something, let it go. Hockey needs to live its own life and doesn't need to be tied down to your icy bosom any longer. Don't shoot Old Yeller if he ain't got rabies.

I don't want to get off on the wrong foot. I'm not all about bashing Canadian hockey. I have a lot of respect for it. In fact, the night would have been more fun had Team Canada won, but alas, winning was not in the plan of the Great Spirit. Nor was "owning the podium."

OWN THE PODIUM

Over the past several months, Canadian media has been promoting the notion that Northern American athletes will win more medals than their southern counterparts. Ideas like, "Well, we have more snow," and "We are internationally more popular because we don't declare war, we just tag along with everyone who does," have been exchanged for, "We shouldn't have shat on that Native burial ground," and "Maybe we could have been making better art had we not cut funding to buy fancy snowsuits for a bunch of no-talent-hacks." And again there is always, "It was pretty rude to deny guest athletes proper time to train, resulting in the death of yet another Georgian civilian."

The Canadian government has spent over $110 million trying to win more than 30 medals, and over $1 billion on security at the Vancouver Olympic Games. Hoping to rank number one in the medal count, Canada is dwindling at fourth.

All I said was, "Canadian beer sucks."

On the other hand, Team Canada did kick Russia's ass last night. I was kind of surprised myself. Not at the fact that God let Canada win another hockey game but at the fact that the Russians had suitable equipment. Call me old school, but when Team Russia was announced I was expecting to see a bunch of steroid-built behemoths dressed in jerseys made from old onion sacks (burlap, of course) and leather "one-size-fits-all" shoes with butcher knives glued to the soles. For helmets they could have milk crates with horse blankets for padding. But as Russia has removed their Olympic dominatrix style for a more Democratic one, one must put their Rocky IV romantic notions of half the norther hemisphere aside.

Hockey is for the big boys now. But hey- congratulations on the gold medal in ice dancing. Good for you, Canada! Just don't set the bar too high or you won't ever reach it.

Your pal,

John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
If you need to go "number 1" before greeting your man, for the love of God please wash with water. There are few things less attractive than discovering tiny bits of tissue hidden in your hootenanny.

Like What, Is Nothing Newsworthy?

NEW ORLEANS - Fans celebrated Mardi Gras early this year as the Saints wrapped up their first Superbowl win in franchise history. Meanwhile, Kleen Energy in Middletown, Connecticut blew up injuring and/or killing around 20 loyal employees. The new Prius has been recalled and North America's drug capital is about to host the most prestigious event in winter athletics. But what is really on the mind of Americans is the pressing issue of what in the name of Sam Heck happened to Jesús Pescado the past few weeks?

Unlike most good journalists to go AWOL, I wasn't abducted by Taliban insurgency. On the other hand, I do control the media so for all you know I was kidnapped and am writing this from a cave in northwestern Pakistan. But I respect my readers and I deliver the truth. The reason the Pescado had gone stagnant is I had been preforming my Journalism Sabbatical, experimenting in investigative research (which according to my editor is something all good journalists do, all the time.)

If you are familiar with The Pescado you know me. I don't like to waste time going around asking a bunch of strangers questions about stuff they may or may not know about. A lot of these so-called reporters behave like spelling bee judges trying to extract information no one cares about from meaningless individuals. My form of journalism relies on relaying whatever information (what we call info in the business) I read by The Associated Press to the public. Rueters is good too. People don't care about anything no one is already talking about. If they would care about other news, they'd be talking about it already. It's like Catch 22 (great book) only without anything about WWII. WWII is what we in the industry call old news.

After American speed skater Shani Davis didn't return my calls and Woody Harrelson punched me in the face, I had to find a new angle. (Ever notice how angle and angel are spelled almost the exact same? It's very inspirational.) If the news won't come to me, why not make the news myself?

I thought about this. At first it did seem illogical to embark on a crime spree only to promote my bi-weekly column. Like most hard-working Americans, I'm not famous enough to visit sick and dying children. So if I broke into your house, sue me. We'll see who gets arrested when you talk to my lawyer (Greg, you gotta help me out with this one. I can pay in electronics and cash up front.)

Here is some news no one else is writing about:

TORONTO - The Chui residents of 549 Oriole Parkway seldom leave their back sliding glass door unlocked. Inside their living room was a new BluRay player, a Nintendo Wii, a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Lable with decantur and a brand new Macbook. Like many residents of their upper-middle class neighborhood they returned home on Sunday night to find it all missing.

Police said thieves allowed themselves in around 4 PM that afternoon while the family was visiting an aunt in hospital. "I can't believe anyone from our neighborhood would do this. It's such a quiet street," said Edwin Chui, the father of the family. "I had just bought the Macbook for my son Michael. He needs it for school and now he's really out of luck."

-The Associated Press

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
This Valentine's Day don't make your man do anything that will make him look gay. Not gay as in homosexual but gay as in overly happy to be with you. That means don't expect a big red heart full of chocolate. Think about it. What kind of a man would buy a thing like that? Stick to the basics and go "nuts"!