Recently I moved back to my home country: the bomb-ass ol' U.S. of A. International readers will throw me their opinions on this saying shit like, "Oh, uhhhhh the USA runs the World Bank which fucks up everybody" or "Americans are too patriotic." "Canada is the non-violent version of America."
America is the land of freedom fries and heroes (disambiguation: gyros belong to Greece which is somehow making us all poor.)
We all know that America doesn't run the World Bank, just a couple of American illuminati members. In regard to our extreme patriotism: maybe if your country fought it's ass to be Number 1 you'd love it too. And as for Canada being a non-violent version of the USA, please research beheadings in North America. Canada outweighs the US on a per-capita level that any leftist Canadian would love to deliberately lie about.
I dig the NDP [Canada's New Democratic Party]. I honestly feel deep down that beggars by the liquor store should earn as much as the next guy. Jack Layton was my neighbor, and I wish I could say "mayor". Sadly, as far as I know he's never run for Toronto mayorship and that sucks a big one. I bet Olivia Chow could win it. Until then, the most socialist leaning major metropolitan area in Canada will be run by a Nixonian dickwad.
Ron Ford (or whatever his name is) will try and do his thing. He wants to be the Giuliani of the Dot. We know he sucks. He's a fat fuck with no game and lied about virtually everything in his campaigning. Obviously, I don't have the time to back up my research but, I can say beyond a doubt, Toronto will still in all likelihood be a great place for Americans to visit.
Here are 10 things for an American to know about Canada before coming to visit or live (illegally):
10: You can get welfare! As long as you keep showing up to the proper office, it doesn't matter if you are in the country legally or not- they just don't want you shooting people for money.
9: Pot is cheaper. Though booze is taxed up the ass, standard price for a gram of good pot is $10 where ever you go in the whole country. Not bad!
8: Post-Secondary Education. If you want to go to college, a.k.a. "University" [prissy snobs] you'll be paying around 12 grand as an international student. If you get a hookup with landed immigrant status or dual citizenship, you're looking at about 6 grand. And enough of the schools are good. Queens University is the Harvard/Dartmouth/Yale/Swarthmore College of Canada!
7. Beer. Although booze is apparently more expensive in Canada, the beer gets you really drunk- pretty quick. Don't believe me? Go to your nearest liquor store and buy 6 bottles of La Fin du Monde. If you can finish the sixth, please email me detailing your experience. And for you college kids, the drinking age in most of Canada is 19. In Quebec, Alberta and Manitoba the drinking age in 18. So why the hell hang out in a country were they want to card you all the time? For the weather?
6. Gas prices. This is gonna be a downer. When you first arrive in the Great White North you might very well think the gas is cheap. This is not true. Gas in the Empire is priced by liters (or "litres" if you suck as spelling). Basically you gotta multiply that number by 4 if you want to know the price equivalent back home (or times it by 4 if you don't know what "multiply" means).
5. Guns. Hand guns are very much banned throughout Canada, although there are ways to get them. To do so involves a lot of background checks and gun safety shit slackers's just not down for. So plan on not rocking a gun unless you want to use it. If you are crazy into guns, there are enough Canadians looking for a dope piece. These ruffians don't go to ranges and are most often very bad when it comes to accuracy. Try to be the target of your armed opponent so that when they miss you aren't the one getting hit.
4. Drugs. Just like pot is cheaper, drugs cost more. Canada is much further from Mexico. Drugs come through/from Mexico. Expect that anything not made in Canada is gonna cost more. Easy solution: don't do drugs, smoke weed instead.
3. Fast food. It exists but the government taxes the fuck out of it. You're better off going to a real burger shop. There's one out by Haliburton, ON called Webbers. In terms of downtown Dot, head up to Eglinton and Oriole Parkway for Burger Shack (my friend works there and she's a cutie-cutie). Hero Burger isn't bad for a chain spot, but it is what it is. For true fast food check Hooker Harvey's on the corner of Jarvis and Gerrard Street. It's named after the area's rampant local prostitution.
2. B.C. This is one of the most beautiful states/provinces on the continent. Barely anything can go wrong here, except it is responsible for Canada's weirdly enormous amount of beheadings and crack/heroin/meth is a big issue. Sort of like New York in the 80s only its a bunch of white people in the woods. Stay away from sworded and/or needled people and you will have few problems. I have a lot of love for B.C., these stone age mofuckezz always showed me a good time, gave me proper work and picked me up hitchhiking. If you are an American touring Canada, please spend your tourist dollars in this province. The people in B.C. are worth any amount of money you spend on them. As long as they don't spend it on crack.
1. People will judge you as an American. If you are a white American- it may be your first experience as the only minority in the room. Don't let this affect you. You can use your American-ness to your benefit. People will think you might be more cultured or urbanized. You might be accepted as having more historical knowledge. There is a good chance none of these apply to you. Don't worry- as long as you flatter your Canadian hosts there will never be any realization-backlash. Now if you are a black American, white people see you as "American". Black Canadians will think you make more sense than any of them. True say most black Canadians are first, if not zero generation Canadian. You are their role model. Please love them for this opportunity and eat copious amounts of their injera.
Your pal,
John
P.S. You need a passport to cross the boarder. Fuckin' eh!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
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