Hello, hell-ow-een

Good evening to my spooky friends in Christ Jesus our LORD true mangod messiah Emmanuel holy lamb you take away the sins from us now, amen.

You may notice something particularly dark, cobwebbed, a cat's meow about tonight's entry. You see, my good Christirn naybors [this is a reference to a joke I heard about who do horses live besides?] You see, in two nights from now is the frightful experience children empleasure themselves in known as Halloween.

As you may have noticed my use of poetic license when I spelled it in the title, "Hell-Ow-een". I changed "hall" to "hell" because if there was a lodge or hall this most wicked of holidays would commence in, it would be Satan's hall otherwise known as "hell". I separated the letters O and W to make the sound a boy makes when he gets hurt, because as we know Halloween can be a day for treats and candy, but it can also be a day of vandalism and hurt feelings.

Now before we go on, when I was a boy and before I became born again in Christ via the industrious and leathery hands of the Astounding Reverend Angelo Pudding, revealer of the "Holy Ghost" (this is only a Halloween themed joke of course!) I was in a costume contest. The girl the year ahead of me in school, Debbie Riskas was wearing a gown and a cone princess hat. I thought, well Halloween is a time of ghouls and nightmares. There is nothing scary about such a princess costume. So during the costume contest I addressed the student body to make this be known. I was of course dressed in skeletons attire. Needless to say I worked myself up quite a sweat ranting about this issue, so much so that the sweat coming from my penis looked as if I had begun to wet myself. (Now Christian reader you may be thinking to yourself, how does one sweat so much from their penis tip? Well, to make sure it was sweat I tasted it and of course it tasted salty: sweat! So fear not gentle reader.) ignorant as schoolboys are the students all laughed at me and this hurt my feelings quite a bit. To this day I had terrible anxiety when it comes to accosting women in public about the inappropriateness of their wardrobe choices.

So this Halloween I beg of you, please do not dress as the Devil himself or anything blasphemous. Please have fun and games and sweet and salty treat, snacks and goblin candy but please do not make anyone so furious they cry out of their penis and run off stage never to be seen again. This is very important to me that you promise me this so please be respectful not just of me but also of women and the unborn fetus she may be carrying for who know she? It could even be the return of the Christ Child. This would make a good movie too.

Here are some Christian approved suggestions for Halloween costumes:

- Jesus's dog. Jesus probably had a dog but no one knows for certain what kind of dog so you can pick you favourite kind, or whatever kind of dog you already have for a costume.

- the three wise men. This is good if you have two other friends with similar taste in costumes.

- the bible. Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. You don't even need to dress different for this you just need to know lots of verse to tell people when they are behaving misguided to show them how much you care about the,.

- the animals from Noah's Ark 3:46:6-8

- the man at the baseball games in the rainbow wig with a sign proclaiming one of my absolute altime favourites John's 3:16.

Thank you and may angels touch your body and go in Peace with The LORD.

Born Again!

Hello to my new found friends in Our LORD Christ Jesus. For much too long of this tired life he lives, my brother and ex-friend Jesus Pescado has been writing blasphemous, dare I say hedonistic and inflammatory remarks on this weblog Named Hey! Zeus! Pescado. Of course, my friends, there is no Zeus or any other pagan deities. For there is only one God who lives in three gods, the Father, the Jesus Christ and of course (and please do not let this name scare you as he is not a spook but indeed a friend) the Holy Ghost.
My name is Richardez Pescado and as of three months ago I am a Born Again Chistrin. And many of you may be asking themselves, "Why am I reading this men's blog? Richardez is not a famousman, he is no celebrity and of no consequence to my life."
Well, dear friends, you are wrong about this one!
For you see, it is Christ Jesus the God amongst men who brought you to this glorious blog. For it was not glorious, but now it is. It was not good, but now it is in Jesus Christ Our LORD, amen. (Bathsis 34:2:1).
It has brought me to this point now in the year of our LORD 2015 that much of the words and visions we see in radios, movies, television programming, theatrical performances, newspapers, Internet and magazines is sinful and needs a proper dismissal by a REAL Christian so that the followers of the true and real chruch can ask themselves and decide "is this really okay or should we do something about this outlandish behaviour?"
The Honorable Reverend Angelo Pudding (who is my personal pastor, mentor, private listener and spiritual healer) told me, "Richardo, you must spread your love for Jesus (the Christ, not my insane maniac brother!) with the world for all to know and share. Take over your evil twin's blog and make it for the one true Messiah."
And there you have it. Tune in next week for a riveting update on the rapture, believing in faith, my recovery to abstinence, television reviews and much, much more.

God be with each and everyone of you. In Christ Jesus.

15 Things YOU NEED To Know About Portuguese People

For everyone who already IS Portuguese, this should be a no brainer. We've all walked in the supermarket and been like, what the hell are these chickens? Why does that guy's Spanish sound so muffled? Are my day laborers trying to steal my antiques? Of course, Portuguese people never have these thoughts. Being Portuguese is like being the Santa Maria on a course to a new island, like Macau. No one knows what will come, but they know it will be FULL of adventure.

Here are 15 things Portuguese people are tired of hearing/you need to know before you die!

1. Chickens ARE NOT indigenous to Portugal.

In fact, Chickens come from east Asia. Portuguese people just REALLY, REALLY like chickens.

2. Portuguese people are not ALWAYS speaking loudly outside of Catholic churches.

Most Portuguese only go to Mass ONCE A WEEK, meaning at most they are speaking loudly outside of Church BEFORE and AFTER Mass, in total about 1-2 hours a week. THIS IS NOT "ALL" THE TIME.

3. Every Portuguese person owns at least ONE ceramic chicken.

They are cute and cultural. What's not to love?

4. DO NOT call a Portuguese person you don't know a cleaner or a day laborer.

Even if they are or look to be, you never know. This could really offend some people.

5. Portugal has a rich history.

Sure this involves murdering indigenous people and taking their belongings, but they have a rich history because of this.

6. Brazil sometimes is Portugal.

A few times in history Brazil and Portugal have been the same country.

7. Portuguese women ARE NOT ALWAYS SCOWLING.

This is just a popular fashion trend in Portuguese eyebrow design.

8. Portugal is next to Spain, NOT MEXICO.

This should be obvious to anyone with a map of South Western Europe.

9. Some Portuguese people have small butts.

10. It's rude to refer to them as "pork-n-cheese". 

In fact, Portugal is home to 50,000 Muslims, 10,000 Hindus and 1,000 Jews. Many of these people don't even eat pork.

11. DO NOT refer to Portugal as "Shitty Italy".

It's prefered nickname is "More Than Andorra".

12. Portuguese people DO NOT all live in Rhode Island.

Though the state is home to many Portuguese, Portuguese immigrants can be found all over the world, as well as in their native country of Portugal.

13. Most Portuguese have never been to a catacomb, much less live in one.

Many deceased Portuguese dwell in catacombs as their final resting place, but not until they are already dead.

14. No pope has ever been Portuguese.

In fact, as a PR stunt the Roman Catholic Church has said it will not even consider the idea of a Portuguese pope until the year 2100.

15. Portuguese people are very proud, and are much more dignified than common stereotypes would lead us to believe.

Did you know the Portuguese invented port wine? The very sweet, very strong, virtually unpalatable desert wine is now imitated by several countries for some reason, most notably Australia and the United States.

We hope this has cleared up some issues you might have. If there is anything we forgot to include, please leave us a comment below!