Hey Hockey, Did Anyone Ever Tell You That You Look Like Your Dad? Yeah, I Mean Canada.

VANCOUVER, B.C. - On the day Canadian media personnel were calling "Super Sunday", the Canadian Olympic team was thrashed by the all-star Team USA. Despite two power plays in the third period, Team Canada couldn't win nothing. The game ended with a blowout score (5-3, USA) and Canadians walked their shamed-ass asses back to their neighbouring home towns.

Hockey, as we know it, shall no longer be dominated by Canadians. But fear not, Canada, for this is a good thing. The rest of the world has a firm grip on the notion that hockey is indeed a legitimate sport with entertainment value (unlike curling) and that athletes needn't begin their career on a peewee league sponsored by Dave Thomas's (founder of Wendy's) doughnut holes. Hockey has been canonized into world culture much like every other great activity to trickle over to America.

Canada, you birthed hockey and nurtured it. You regurgitated earthworms into its mouth. Respect. But if you love something, let it go. Hockey needs to live its own life and doesn't need to be tied down to your icy bosom any longer. Don't shoot Old Yeller if he ain't got rabies.

I don't want to get off on the wrong foot. I'm not all about bashing Canadian hockey. I have a lot of respect for it. In fact, the night would have been more fun had Team Canada won, but alas, winning was not in the plan of the Great Spirit. Nor was "owning the podium."

OWN THE PODIUM

Over the past several months, Canadian media has been promoting the notion that Northern American athletes will win more medals than their southern counterparts. Ideas like, "Well, we have more snow," and "We are internationally more popular because we don't declare war, we just tag along with everyone who does," have been exchanged for, "We shouldn't have shat on that Native burial ground," and "Maybe we could have been making better art had we not cut funding to buy fancy snowsuits for a bunch of no-talent-hacks." And again there is always, "It was pretty rude to deny guest athletes proper time to train, resulting in the death of yet another Georgian civilian."

The Canadian government has spent over $110 million trying to win more than 30 medals, and over $1 billion on security at the Vancouver Olympic Games. Hoping to rank number one in the medal count, Canada is dwindling at fourth.

All I said was, "Canadian beer sucks."

On the other hand, Team Canada did kick Russia's ass last night. I was kind of surprised myself. Not at the fact that God let Canada win another hockey game but at the fact that the Russians had suitable equipment. Call me old school, but when Team Russia was announced I was expecting to see a bunch of steroid-built behemoths dressed in jerseys made from old onion sacks (burlap, of course) and leather "one-size-fits-all" shoes with butcher knives glued to the soles. For helmets they could have milk crates with horse blankets for padding. But as Russia has removed their Olympic dominatrix style for a more Democratic one, one must put their Rocky IV romantic notions of half the norther hemisphere aside.

Hockey is for the big boys now. But hey- congratulations on the gold medal in ice dancing. Good for you, Canada! Just don't set the bar too high or you won't ever reach it.

Your pal,

John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
If you need to go "number 1" before greeting your man, for the love of God please wash with water. There are few things less attractive than discovering tiny bits of tissue hidden in your hootenanny.