Come Hell, Or High Water!

Greetings friends,
I understand that it has been an unreasonably long time since I last spoke with you all. It is with a heavy heart that I say to you, "It is true! All of my loved ones have passed away!"

And so, I write the following list. May these souls "Rest In Peace".

1. Prince
Legendary Music Icon

2. Gwyneth Paltrow
Very Talented Actor

3. Cher
Singer, Actor, Dancer

4. "Earnest" Hemmingway
One Of My All Time Favorite Authors

5. Michael Jordan
Singer, Dancer, Entrepreneur

6. Janet Jordan
Singer, Actor, Entertainer

7. Clive "Staples" Lewis
Master Of Narnian Tales

8. David Bowie
Singer, Make-Up Muse

9. THE QUEEN MOTHER

10. Bernard Joseph Macintyre
Comedian, New Kid, Actor

11. Bridgeport Jones
And all the other nameless victims of violence in Bridgeport, Connecticut.

12. Paul Walker
Driver Of Fast Cars

13. Jesus of Nazareth
King Of The Jews, Christ

Now that you have reflected on my list of passed loved ones, you are probably thinking, "Why are there 13 [thirteen] passed loved ones? Is this not an unlucky number? Why, for crying out loud, IS JESUS CHRIST THE 13th ON HIS LIST?"

Friend, I must let you know: 13 is not an unlucky number. For in fact, Christ had 12 [twelve] disciples, making himself the 13th [thirteenth] in their squadron. The number 13 is also very important in numerology (I will discuss this further as my article progresses).

It is my thinking that 13 became an unlucky number when the Roman Catholic church was trying to excommunicate the Greek aristocracy. The Greeks, being fans of homosexuality, loved the number 13 because the "1" looks like an erect penis, while the "3" looks like an arial view of a protruding pair of buttocks. The Catholics therefore must have demonized this number. To their fault, they neglected the extreme importance of making lists and poems in 13s.

Now, Christians, you ponder, "All the souls listed are of dead bodied. But did not Christ ascend to heaven, body and soul? Christ's life is everlasting, how can he be included in the dead Reverend Pescado chooses to mourn?"

And I respond, "Did not Paul Walker die for the sins of us wishing to watch fast and furious automobiles crashing into oblivion? Did not Cher die for our curiosity of valour and contempt of the human psyche? Is it possible that in C.S. Lewis's current reality, he is not dead but is instead 500 years old, but in our universe his perception has only lasted a nanosecond?!"

These foolish responses are why I choose to not post anymore than I am spiritually obliged.

Regards,
Jesus Pescado

"A Tip For The Ladies" Female pattern baldness can be cured with a good attitude ;)