Swine Flu (or H1N1 If You Want to Be a Dick About It)

The Swine Flu threat level has been at Orange and above since Summer '09. It would be great to say, "Swine Flu? That's sooo last decade." Not the case. It's still here. It's still the most disgusting plague to strike the sinners of the earth since either Ebola or AIDS (feel free to choose one or the other.)

You might be thinking, "Swine Flu would be very uncomfortable, but AIDS and Ebola are certainly more life-threatening. In fact, Ebola does in ten days what it takes AIDS to do in ten years." Note that I never said Swine Flu is a deadlier disease or less curable. I said it's disgusting. Pigs are disgusting creatures that eat their own shit and fart out of their mouths when they talk. And they look kind of like super-inbred humans.

If you really want to compare Swine Flu to AIDS: think about this. When you contract Swine Flu people will think you just sat next to some immune deficient wimp on a Mexican airplane. Or worse, you slept with a pig. When you get AIDS it's quite obvious what had been happening. You were partying like a fuckin' rock star since 1988. Sharing needles, unprotected anal sex- all the taboos that make life seem mysteriously (and vulgarly) sensational. And you receive a copy of a directory of people you can have sex with. It's like every night is New Years Eve, only you are dying very slowly.

What really irks me is when the liberal media uses the term H1N1. It makes it seem like a chemical formula instead of something to be ashamed of. Swineys will be saying, "Sorry I can't party with you guys. My doctor said I have H1N1 and need to rest. I wish I could be there. Have fun!" What the hell is that supposed to mean? Did you accidentally spill hydrogen peroxide in an area of your hair you weren't trying to bleach? How am I supposed to accuse you of beastiality with a term like that? You know that virtually every flu virus contracted by a human is H1N1? Be more specific. Any swiney referring to their condition as H1N1 is depriving the listener of a good old fashioned grossed-out recoil. [Editor's note: there was no available footage of Glenn Beck's face being ejaculated on to link "a good old fashioned grossed-out recoil."]

This may come as a surprise to many: I still have not received my flu shot. I do not believe in it. (Much like I do not believe in the use of contractions.) Not that I do not want to be sick, I simply do not like the current visual presentation. The vaccine should be a bright green color and the syringe needs to be much larger. It should also have a picture of a pig's skull with a red circle around it and a line going through it like a no-smoking sign. Just like the picture above. That is why I made the picture- to show you, because I care.

In conclusion, we need to put an end to AIDS, Ebola and Swine Flu. And we need to put an end to giving scary-ass sounding diseases pussy-ass sounding names. It's a fact we all need to face. What good will turning into a society of wimps do? Get our asses kicked by a bunch of terrorists? You can see the issue goes far beyond my personal taste and is truly in the heart of homeland security.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
STDs and STIs are very unattractive, so wash your underparts with soap and water after having unprotected sex. That's what hookers did in the 1930s and the worst STD they faced was syphilis. Not bad, eh?