Halle Berry Security Bypass?

MONTREAL, P.Q. -- Friday afternoon was an embarrassing day for travelers departing at Montreal-Trudeau Airport as they continued to stand in line for security while actress Halle Berry, her boyfriend and 22-month old daughter were allowed to bypass the "much needed" metal detectors and X-ray scans.

I see multiple problems with this situation. Now I don't believe Halle Berry, her unwed Canadian lover nor their unmarried-parents-having daughter are to blame. It's not their fault for being better at the Game of Life than most of us. It is a pretty sweet game with bumps and mansions, and if you don't get fire insurance you might really drift up a crick without a paddle. The problem with the situation rests with the Montreal police and the apathetic passengers who did not yell "stupid Amerrycans!" and throw loaves of baguette smothered in brie at the celebrity couple.

This is a rather complex issue that hits the core of our American belief set. Since most Americans are getting stupider as the days wear on and technology progresses I will walk you through the basics of the Berry Bypass incident.

1. It happened in Canada (outside of the US). Should it really be considered newsworthy? In foreign countries the police are always corrupt and celebrities get away with murder. Like when Matthew Broderick killed those people in Ireland. That "news story" was the yawn heard around the world.

2. The French aren't as rude as we'd like them to be. Why didn't the police call Berry ignorant before she requested special treatment? What did the officers think they would receive by being Berry's bitch? A great idea for an independent movie? (BTW- great idea for an independent movie: Being Berry's Bitch.)

3. Obama. You'd think during his first term in office he'd do something right and not allow 90s movie stars to waltz through a line that the writer of the Pescado would most likely need to stand through. With only three years till his reelection, one would think this poor decision would strike fear in his heart.

4. Berry's agent Toni Howard wasn't even immediately available to comment on the event. This kind of apathy is eating away at the core of American society like an earthworm to a Golden Delicious (my personal favorite.) Straighten up and fly right, Toni Howard. What are you- a mix between Toni Braxton and Adina Howard? You think you are the one true Mega Diva? Then be available to comment when the Associated Press wants to talk to you. Those giants can make or break your coke-head-Hollywood ass. Show some respect. Even if the story isn't even newsworthy.

If you ever find yourself being pushed around by a celebrity remember the Three S's of Self Defense: sock, spit, shout. Always end in shouting so you can convince people around you that the celebrity started the fight.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
When trying to please your man, never ever cry. It's so unbelievably terrible you should consider yourself very lucky if he does call back. In the rare case that he does, try crying again. Let him know that "it's your thing" and that if he ever wants to be with you he'd "better get used to it." Cry all the time. Cry when you are putting on your make-up so you can walk around with that "running mascara" look Goth guys probably dig. I'd imagine NASCAR fans would like that too. Not exactly sure why.