You might think D.j. Trump is a terrible president. Here is why that isn’t true.

So many people say that Mr. D.j. Trump is a bad president. He cheats, they say. He lied, they say. He does not truly love America... at least not as much as he loves himself and the money. But is this true?

Mr. D.j. Trump was born in an orphanage in a very poor area of the Long Island with no family or money, he was the first of his kind to be this president. This is why we must refer him as the Lord and Savior Mr. Donald James trum, and not a stupid women for president.

Also, this brings me to my next point, the election is OVER GUYS. MR D.J. TRUMP WON IT FAIR AND SQUAIR. 

Also, this brings me to yet another point. Maybe donal James trum is not so much a liar as you must think. He has the best memory in the world. The best doctor in the world. The best fruit wines in the world. The best golf clubs (at first I wrote “gold clubs” buy mistake and I thought, yes he probably does have gold clubs! Both night clubs and golf clubs. Maybe his security has gold clubs to hit criminals with. Oh and maybe he has a trump(r) brand sets of decks of cards with a “gold” clubs in it. I don’t know but it sure is fun to think about.) how could A LIAR be so good at everything he does? Casing point.

Another reason I LOVE the holy, rational and stealth like Mr. D.j. Trumps is because he has a great look and is very popular with the women. Have you seen his wife? She is very beautiful. And have you seen his daughter? She is easily more beautiful. So this is very important for me, because a Hillary for president would mean ONLY ONE WOMAN IN THE WHITE house. For our fearless and vindictive Leader Chairman Donald k. Trump it is only true to say HE WILL HAVE 2 WOMEN IN THE White House.

And finally, this is the most important: Donald j is giving up his precious time on the money markets to save our country from the evils of Antifa and communist insurrection. Believe me these are very bad things and need to be kept at the bay. I will no longer eat at Applebee’s because they offer “a toast to the revolution” and are widely known to be Antifa safehouses in every state. We need a divine and omnipotent Leader to please save us Mr. Donald jtrump!

Thanks to you and please leave your name and a brief comment on why you like this article. Many more to come!

Come Hell, Or High Water!

Greetings friends,
I understand that it has been an unreasonably long time since I last spoke with you all. It is with a heavy heart that I say to you, "It is true! All of my loved ones have passed away!"

And so, I write the following list. May these souls "Rest In Peace".

1. Prince
Legendary Music Icon

2. Gwyneth Paltrow
Very Talented Actor

3. Cher
Singer, Actor, Dancer

4. "Earnest" Hemmingway
One Of My All Time Favorite Authors

5. Michael Jordan
Singer, Dancer, Entrepreneur

6. Janet Jordan
Singer, Actor, Entertainer

7. Clive "Staples" Lewis
Master Of Narnian Tales

8. David Bowie
Singer, Make-Up Muse

9. THE QUEEN MOTHER

10. Bernard Joseph Macintyre
Comedian, New Kid, Actor

11. Bridgeport Jones
And all the other nameless victims of violence in Bridgeport, Connecticut.

12. Paul Walker
Driver Of Fast Cars

13. Jesus of Nazareth
King Of The Jews, Christ

Now that you have reflected on my list of passed loved ones, you are probably thinking, "Why are there 13 [thirteen] passed loved ones? Is this not an unlucky number? Why, for crying out loud, IS JESUS CHRIST THE 13th ON HIS LIST?"

Friend, I must let you know: 13 is not an unlucky number. For in fact, Christ had 12 [twelve] disciples, making himself the 13th [thirteenth] in their squadron. The number 13 is also very important in numerology (I will discuss this further as my article progresses).

It is my thinking that 13 became an unlucky number when the Roman Catholic church was trying to excommunicate the Greek aristocracy. The Greeks, being fans of homosexuality, loved the number 13 because the "1" looks like an erect penis, while the "3" looks like an arial view of a protruding pair of buttocks. The Catholics therefore must have demonized this number. To their fault, they neglected the extreme importance of making lists and poems in 13s.

Now, Christians, you ponder, "All the souls listed are of dead bodied. But did not Christ ascend to heaven, body and soul? Christ's life is everlasting, how can he be included in the dead Reverend Pescado chooses to mourn?"

And I respond, "Did not Paul Walker die for the sins of us wishing to watch fast and furious automobiles crashing into oblivion? Did not Cher die for our curiosity of valour and contempt of the human psyche? Is it possible that in C.S. Lewis's current reality, he is not dead but is instead 500 years old, but in our universe his perception has only lasted a nanosecond?!"

These foolish responses are why I choose to not post anymore than I am spiritually obliged.

Regards,
Jesus Pescado

"A Tip For The Ladies" Female pattern baldness can be cured with a good attitude ;)

Hello, hell-ow-een

Good evening to my spooky friends in Christ Jesus our LORD true mangod messiah Emmanuel holy lamb you take away the sins from us now, amen.

You may notice something particularly dark, cobwebbed, a cat's meow about tonight's entry. You see, my good Christirn naybors [this is a reference to a joke I heard about who do horses live besides?] You see, in two nights from now is the frightful experience children empleasure themselves in known as Halloween.

As you may have noticed my use of poetic license when I spelled it in the title, "Hell-Ow-een". I changed "hall" to "hell" because if there was a lodge or hall this most wicked of holidays would commence in, it would be Satan's hall otherwise known as "hell". I separated the letters O and W to make the sound a boy makes when he gets hurt, because as we know Halloween can be a day for treats and candy, but it can also be a day of vandalism and hurt feelings.

Now before we go on, when I was a boy and before I became born again in Christ via the industrious and leathery hands of the Astounding Reverend Angelo Pudding, revealer of the "Holy Ghost" (this is only a Halloween themed joke of course!) I was in a costume contest. The girl the year ahead of me in school, Debbie Riskas was wearing a gown and a cone princess hat. I thought, well Halloween is a time of ghouls and nightmares. There is nothing scary about such a princess costume. So during the costume contest I addressed the student body to make this be known. I was of course dressed in skeletons attire. Needless to say I worked myself up quite a sweat ranting about this issue, so much so that the sweat coming from my penis looked as if I had begun to wet myself. (Now Christian reader you may be thinking to yourself, how does one sweat so much from their penis tip? Well, to make sure it was sweat I tasted it and of course it tasted salty: sweat! So fear not gentle reader.) ignorant as schoolboys are the students all laughed at me and this hurt my feelings quite a bit. To this day I had terrible anxiety when it comes to accosting women in public about the inappropriateness of their wardrobe choices.

So this Halloween I beg of you, please do not dress as the Devil himself or anything blasphemous. Please have fun and games and sweet and salty treat, snacks and goblin candy but please do not make anyone so furious they cry out of their penis and run off stage never to be seen again. This is very important to me that you promise me this so please be respectful not just of me but also of women and the unborn fetus she may be carrying for who know she? It could even be the return of the Christ Child. This would make a good movie too.

Here are some Christian approved suggestions for Halloween costumes:

- Jesus's dog. Jesus probably had a dog but no one knows for certain what kind of dog so you can pick you favourite kind, or whatever kind of dog you already have for a costume.

- the three wise men. This is good if you have two other friends with similar taste in costumes.

- the bible. Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth. You don't even need to dress different for this you just need to know lots of verse to tell people when they are behaving misguided to show them how much you care about the,.

- the animals from Noah's Ark 3:46:6-8

- the man at the baseball games in the rainbow wig with a sign proclaiming one of my absolute altime favourites John's 3:16.

Thank you and may angels touch your body and go in Peace with The LORD.

Born Again!

Hello to my new found friends in Our LORD Christ Jesus. For much too long of this tired life he lives, my brother and ex-friend Jesus Pescado has been writing blasphemous, dare I say hedonistic and inflammatory remarks on this weblog Named Hey! Zeus! Pescado. Of course, my friends, there is no Zeus or any other pagan deities. For there is only one God who lives in three gods, the Father, the Jesus Christ and of course (and please do not let this name scare you as he is not a spook but indeed a friend) the Holy Ghost.
My name is Richardez Pescado and as of three months ago I am a Born Again Chistrin. And many of you may be asking themselves, "Why am I reading this men's blog? Richardez is not a famousman, he is no celebrity and of no consequence to my life."
Well, dear friends, you are wrong about this one!
For you see, it is Christ Jesus the God amongst men who brought you to this glorious blog. For it was not glorious, but now it is. It was not good, but now it is in Jesus Christ Our LORD, amen. (Bathsis 34:2:1).
It has brought me to this point now in the year of our LORD 2015 that much of the words and visions we see in radios, movies, television programming, theatrical performances, newspapers, Internet and magazines is sinful and needs a proper dismissal by a REAL Christian so that the followers of the true and real chruch can ask themselves and decide "is this really okay or should we do something about this outlandish behaviour?"
The Honorable Reverend Angelo Pudding (who is my personal pastor, mentor, private listener and spiritual healer) told me, "Richardo, you must spread your love for Jesus (the Christ, not my insane maniac brother!) with the world for all to know and share. Take over your evil twin's blog and make it for the one true Messiah."
And there you have it. Tune in next week for a riveting update on the rapture, believing in faith, my recovery to abstinence, television reviews and much, much more.

God be with each and everyone of you. In Christ Jesus.

15 Things YOU NEED To Know About Portuguese People

For everyone who already IS Portuguese, this should be a no brainer. We've all walked in the supermarket and been like, what the hell are these chickens? Why does that guy's Spanish sound so muffled? Are my day laborers trying to steal my antiques? Of course, Portuguese people never have these thoughts. Being Portuguese is like being the Santa Maria on a course to a new island, like Macau. No one knows what will come, but they know it will be FULL of adventure.

Here are 15 things Portuguese people are tired of hearing/you need to know before you die!

1. Chickens ARE NOT indigenous to Portugal.

In fact, Chickens come from east Asia. Portuguese people just REALLY, REALLY like chickens.

2. Portuguese people are not ALWAYS speaking loudly outside of Catholic churches.

Most Portuguese only go to Mass ONCE A WEEK, meaning at most they are speaking loudly outside of Church BEFORE and AFTER Mass, in total about 1-2 hours a week. THIS IS NOT "ALL" THE TIME.

3. Every Portuguese person owns at least ONE ceramic chicken.

They are cute and cultural. What's not to love?

4. DO NOT call a Portuguese person you don't know a cleaner or a day laborer.

Even if they are or look to be, you never know. This could really offend some people.

5. Portugal has a rich history.

Sure this involves murdering indigenous people and taking their belongings, but they have a rich history because of this.

6. Brazil sometimes is Portugal.

A few times in history Brazil and Portugal have been the same country.

7. Portuguese women ARE NOT ALWAYS SCOWLING.

This is just a popular fashion trend in Portuguese eyebrow design.

8. Portugal is next to Spain, NOT MEXICO.

This should be obvious to anyone with a map of South Western Europe.

9. Some Portuguese people have small butts.

10. It's rude to refer to them as "pork-n-cheese". 

In fact, Portugal is home to 50,000 Muslims, 10,000 Hindus and 1,000 Jews. Many of these people don't even eat pork.

11. DO NOT refer to Portugal as "Shitty Italy".

It's prefered nickname is "More Than Andorra".

12. Portuguese people DO NOT all live in Rhode Island.

Though the state is home to many Portuguese, Portuguese immigrants can be found all over the world, as well as in their native country of Portugal.

13. Most Portuguese have never been to a catacomb, much less live in one.

Many deceased Portuguese dwell in catacombs as their final resting place, but not until they are already dead.

14. No pope has ever been Portuguese.

In fact, as a PR stunt the Roman Catholic Church has said it will not even consider the idea of a Portuguese pope until the year 2100.

15. Portuguese people are very proud, and are much more dignified than common stereotypes would lead us to believe.

Did you know the Portuguese invented port wine? The very sweet, very strong, virtually unpalatable desert wine is now imitated by several countries for some reason, most notably Australia and the United States.

We hope this has cleared up some issues you might have. If there is anything we forgot to include, please leave us a comment below!

Look: These 16 Epic Halloween Costumes Are Not Funny, Not Cute and Will Make You Look Totally Inconsiderate [NSFW]

Halloween is a day where we all like to have fun, get a little crazy and show off the wacky and quirky sides to our personality. But every year there are some costumes that totally cross the line from cool to totally uncool.

Here's a list of popular costume ideas we don't think anyone should be. EVER. (BTW it's completely epic.)

1. A Deceased Family Member

Family members take death very seriously and it is not fun to make light of it.

Halloween is a day to honor the dead and NOT make fun of them. Especially if that dead person happens to be YOUR OWN GREAT UNCLE.

2. Cigar Store Indian

THIS GUY dressed as a Cigar Store Indian looks like a complete moron.

Sure, they might look stiff and inhuman, but the truth is Cigar Store Indians are a mockery of many different vast, ancient and present cultures.

3. Blackface

Spike Lees demonstrates that Blackface is really weird.

Do we really need to say this, people?

4. Suicidal Version of Yourself

Will not go over well at parties.

Halloween is a day to honor the dead, not to fantasize about your own passing. If this costume idea is all consuming, please seek help.

5. Pedophile

Chicks don't dig Jerry Sandusky.

Dressing up as someone who sexually abuses children is not appropriate on a holiday already known for luring minors into your house with the promise of candy.

6. Aborted Fetus

Show some damn respect you ableist jerk.

 Just because you weren't aborted doesn't mean you have the right to mock people who were. It's 2014, people. Let's try and be a little bit more sensitive.

7. Person With Ebola

It's not like it's even real anyway.

 Although Ebola is completely fictitious and was invented by the Obama Administration to depopulate Africa through the use of lies, thousands of people have still died from this hoax and it's time we stop mocking impoverished people dying slow, horribly painful deaths.

8. Used Tampon From Before Tampons Were Mass-Produced

This is actually really disrespectful.

First of all: eww, gross! Secondly, treat women's bodies with a little respect, guys. If you don't want to see it, don't go shoving it in everyone else's face.

9. Men Covered In Their Own Feces

Groups of men covered in feces are a very popular Halloween costume, despite being inappropriate.

 Chances are people won't get this reference; they'll just be disturbed. Especially if you use real human feces. Is this even a pop culture reference? Bottom line: most people don't want to bob for apples with a bunch of half-naked guys covered in waste.

10. An Actual Dead Body

This was a real man, not a statistic and it is absolutely wrong to wear his corpse as a decoration.

 We shouldn't even have to say this, but taking a body much larger than yourself from a morgue, cutting it open, removing most of the internal organs and wearing it as a Halloween costume is completely inappropriate and could even result in a hefty fine or jail time. If you still wish to adorn this controversial costume, DO IT AT YOUR OWN RISK!

11. Big-Nosed Jew-Guy

This particular costume has been popular for hundreds of years. It's time we tell people who come dressed as The Big-Nosed Jew-Guy to get the heck out of our Halloween party.

 Let's be honest: this costume is old, boring, and particularly offensive to Jewish people. Get with the times, asshole!

12. Patriarchy

I want to kick this man in the neck.

 NO. JUST NO. No way you can come to our Halloween party dressed as PATRIARCHY.

13. Counterfeit Infant Formula

Don't emulate something that's fake. Always be yourself.

 Though statistics can be hard to gather, infants dying of malnutrition despite being fed name-brand formula is a real thing. The sad truth is, it may be harder to find a Counterfeit Infant Formula Costume than to find actual counterfeit infant formula.

14. Counterfeit Insulin

Bottom line is that it sucks! Not allowed in my house.

Diabetes is a worldwide health problem. In many areas where money is in short supply, local pharmacists look for cheap providers of pharmaceuticals. But when these drugs aren't real drugs, they are completely ineffective and can have deadly results. Which is why it's totally not okay to make fun of that kind of thing.

15. Counterfeit Egg

Be loud and clear and let people know if you've been caged, free range, grain fed- EVERYTHING.

 We saw in a documentary that in China it's cheaper to make fake eggs than to produce real ones. So if you are going to be an egg for Halloween, please let your friends, family and coworkers know your costume, despite it not being a real chicken's egg, represents a conceivably edible chicken's egg and not a criminally made artificial egg. EVEN MISREPRESENTING AN EGG AS FREE RANGE WHEN IT IS FROM A CAGED BIRD IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE AND OFFENDERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULLEST EXTENT OF THE LAW.

16. Counterfeit Canada Goose Jackets

Keep it real with a real Canada Goose.

 They might look like the real deal and be much, much less expensive, but the stitching and shit isn't always that good and they probably don't want to keep you as warm as the real ones. But I don't know, I just think it's kind of stupid to wear a jacket like that if you aren't being real, you know?

Occupy My Nutsack

For the last month or whatever protesters have been "occupying" (I am putting this word in quotations because clearly people who aren't employed 24/7 can't be occupied by anything because I say so) in a bunch of cities that don't matter across the continent I happen to live on but don't really care at all about.

Legend has it, these no-talent-bums began this thing on a place in Jew York City called "Wall Street" (BTW- how can a wall be a street? Already we know these guys really suck because they can't get their infrastructure right, am I right folks?) and haven't left since. Then a bunch of other poverty affected cowards decided they didn't want to be as committed as the people in JYC so they made their own hobo camps in their own Podunk hometowns to show "solidarity" with the rest of the so-called "99%" of alleged "humanity." At first I thought it was funny- a bunch of poor people out in the cold and rain freezing to death. But as it turns out these poor people want me to do more than throw quarters at them whilst insisting they dance better and better. They want me to help them. Worse yet- some of them aren't even poor and STILL want me to help poor people! The goddamn nerve of these sons-of-bitches!

I could understand if they were all women or the Blacks/Gays. Sadly folks, they are not. Indeed some of them are white Christian men. In fact the Youtube rumor mill claims that some of them are war veterans. Obviously we know how crazy and homeless war vets are. Why should they help themselves to any of my hard-earned skrilla? Fuck that. I'm watchin' BET instead of some lame assholes complain about how the system sucks. Yeah the system sucks. For you- you deadbeat dickwads.

Look at this dipshit:

I bet he doesn't even have a job! I bet he doesn't even ahahahahshahahhaahahah whatever! He has dreadlocks! Isn't that funny? He wrote his sign on CARDBOARD!! OMFG if only something was misspelled that would be SOOO FUCKIN' FUNNY!!! LOL LMAO WTF!!!!

OK I'm kinda scared these protesters are going kill me. G2G TTYL!

Your pal,
JP

REVIEW: Living With Friends

Family Contact, a Toronto-based film making trio comprised of Zac Tatham, Aaron Manczyk and Efehan Elbi, is about to debut their new web series Living With Friends. After drinking several pints and drunk dialing their agent two nights ago I made a promise that I would review the series on the Daily Pescado. At the time I hadn't seen a single Family Contact film, though after going through their website (http://familycontact.ca) I noticed they have some very enjoyable cartoons and shit.

Living With Friends is a bizarre, unique, hilarious series that would be fun for some of the family. The dry and often awkward sense of humor contrasts the surreal slacker world shared by Zac and Aaron (played by themselves) as they battle eachother for jobs, women, and slinky races. Their boastful series tagline states they are "... trying to make a really good show and make it in an order so it comes off like a TV show." The webisodes are much shorter than syndicated TV shows tend to be (ranging from around five to ten minutes each) they are easy to follow with clear, consistent cinematography and a steady premise for an experimental independent series.

From surfing the internet for costume websites only to pretend to be goth kids in order to impress goth girls to taking a mission through the woods looking for acorns to hock (one dollar a corn!), the friends' back and forth banter is as entertaining as it is genuine. According to Manczyk roughly ten percent of the dialogue is scripted, most of the writing being done primarily through storyboards. Occasionally the sound leveling is off, which is expected when film makers are working on virtually no budget and don't have access to fancy sound equipment and engineering. This results in constant volume manipulation on the viewer's behalf, but the humor and delightful shots make the remote clicking well worth the effort.

I'm quite certain that Family Contact's work will keep improving and will one day be a household name in Canadian film and/or television. Give them a proper film budget and they will give you quality entertainment.

All in all they get 3.5 out of 5. Very fresh ideas, nice camera work. Acting can use workshopping. Proper sound design is needed.

Regards,
J. Pescado

art.

People often say, "Hey Jesus, how come if you are an artist you never write about art?"
Awesome Q, my friends.
The reason is since I am an artist, I'm not really an art critic. That'd be like a chef writing restaurant reviews. It's a biased, gluttonous, narcissistic role to play and quite frankly being self-centered isn't my style. Might be someone else's but definitely not mine. Instead, I like to focus on my own work and my own life instead of always acting like I'm the only person of any true significance. As a rule I try to talk about myself as little as I can, but sometimes I think I end up talking about myself because I can't think of anything as important as me I feel.

Well rules were meant to be broken and I will discuss my beliefs about art.

I think the sole purpose of the visual fine arts should be to generate income. As children, when we visited art galleries and were first experienced to price tags with several digits being a career artist just seemed like the most logical vocation possible. In regard to the starving artist phenomenon, this problem is not the fault of the visual arts but a crime committed by non-visual artists who decide to visit art galleries without buying anything. It's like they go to Starbucks just to smell. Well I'm sorry this painting isn't 180 degrees and doesn't cost five bucks before being disposed in a trash can and public urinal and you need four of them to get you through the day. Fuck your buying tendencies. Buy my work and brag to your friends how expensive it was and how much of a genius I am and how smart you were to buy my work when you did because it's gonna be way more expensive in a few years. Oh GOD how expensive it's gonna be! Just think of all those zeros!


As the great Pablo Jueves said, "An [artist's] ego dissolves when [his] paint dries." We as artists love our works until they are finished. Once completed they cease to belong to the creators, and must become collected by a third party. A finished painting is of no value to its painter. The painter's job is to paint again, not to have painted previously. Thus collecting is essential to the lifespan of a work of art. Without a collector, the painting will most likely never be taken more seriously as anything more than the canvas it is painted on and will often be painted over or constantly altered.

A really good thing about being a great artist is women want to have sex with you even if they are much wealthier than you. This is one of the few vocations where this frequently happens. Even when people aren't buying your work they feel bad that someone with so much potential fails so horribly at life they tend to buy you stuff and ask your opinion about things you aren't at all qualified to talk about as if your opinion mattered. This is my second philosophical argument in favor of what I was talking about.

If you don't buy art, specifically my art, you are singlehandedly murdering culture and everything you stand for. So instead of complaining about how pop culture sucks and is bad for children, put your money where your mouth is (DEEZ NUTS) and buy something worth owning and occasionally noticing its presence.

Your pal,
J.P.

An American's Guide to Canada

Recently I moved back to my home country: the bomb-ass ol' U.S. of A. International readers will throw me their opinions on this saying shit like, "Oh, uhhhhh the USA runs the World Bank which fucks up everybody" or "Americans are too patriotic." "Canada is the non-violent version of America."
America is the land of freedom fries and heroes (disambiguation: gyros belong to Greece which is somehow making us all poor.)

We all know that America doesn't run the World Bank, just a couple of American illuminati members. In regard to our extreme patriotism: maybe if your country fought it's ass to be Number 1 you'd love it too. And as for Canada being a non-violent version of the USA, please research beheadings in North America. Canada outweighs the US on a per-capita level that any leftist Canadian would love to deliberately lie about.

I dig the NDP [Canada's New Democratic Party]. I honestly feel deep down that beggars by the liquor store should earn as much as the next guy. Jack Layton was my neighbor, and I wish I could say "mayor". Sadly, as far as I know he's never run for Toronto mayorship and that sucks a big one. I bet Olivia Chow could win it. Until then, the most socialist leaning major metropolitan area in Canada will be run by a Nixonian dickwad.

Ron Ford (or whatever his name is) will try and do his thing. He wants to be the Giuliani of the Dot. We know he sucks. He's a fat fuck with no game and lied about virtually everything in his campaigning. Obviously, I don't have the time to back up my research but, I can say beyond a doubt, Toronto will still in all likelihood be a great place for Americans to visit.

Here are 10 things for an American to know about Canada before coming to visit or live (illegally):

10: You can get welfare! As long as you keep showing up to the proper office, it doesn't matter if you are in the country legally or not- they just don't want you shooting people for money.

9: Pot is cheaper. Though booze is taxed up the ass, standard price for a gram of good pot is $10 where ever you go in the whole country. Not bad!

8: Post-Secondary Education. If you want to go to college, a.k.a. "University" [prissy snobs] you'll be paying around 12 grand as an international student. If you get a hookup with landed immigrant status or dual citizenship, you're looking at about 6 grand. And enough of the schools are good. Queens University is the Harvard/Dartmouth/Yale/Swarthmore College of Canada!

7. Beer. Although booze is apparently more expensive in Canada, the beer gets you really drunk- pretty quick. Don't believe me? Go to your nearest liquor store and buy 6 bottles of La Fin du Monde. If you can finish the sixth, please email me detailing your experience. And for you college kids, the drinking age in most of Canada is 19. In Quebec, Alberta and Manitoba the drinking age in 18. So why the hell hang out in a country were they want to card you all the time? For the weather?

6. Gas prices. This is gonna be a downer. When you first arrive in the Great White North you might very well think the gas is cheap. This is not true. Gas in the Empire is priced by liters (or "litres" if you suck as spelling). Basically you gotta multiply that number by 4 if you want to know the price equivalent back home (or times it by 4 if you don't know what "multiply" means).

5. Guns. Hand guns are very much banned throughout Canada, although there are ways to get them. To do so involves a lot of background checks and gun safety shit slackers's just not down for. So plan on not rocking a gun unless you want to use it. If you are crazy into guns, there are enough Canadians looking for a dope piece. These ruffians don't go to ranges and are most often very bad when it comes to accuracy. Try to be the target of your armed opponent so that when they miss you aren't the one getting hit.

4. Drugs. Just like pot is cheaper, drugs cost more. Canada is much further from Mexico. Drugs come through/from Mexico. Expect that anything not made in Canada is gonna cost more. Easy solution: don't do drugs, smoke weed instead.

3. Fast food. It exists but the government taxes the fuck out of it. You're better off going to a real burger shop. There's one out by Haliburton, ON called Webbers. In terms of downtown Dot, head up to Eglinton and Oriole Parkway for Burger Shack (my friend works there and she's a cutie-cutie). Hero Burger isn't bad for a chain spot, but it is what it is. For true fast food check Hooker Harvey's on the corner of Jarvis and Gerrard Street. It's named after the area's rampant local prostitution.

2. B.C. This is one of the most beautiful states/provinces on the continent. Barely anything can go wrong here, except it is responsible for Canada's weirdly enormous amount of beheadings and crack/heroin/meth is a big issue. Sort of like New York in the 80s only its a bunch of white people in the woods. Stay away from sworded and/or needled people and you will have few problems. I have a lot of love for B.C., these stone age mofuckezz always showed me a good time, gave me proper work and picked me up hitchhiking. If you are an American touring Canada, please spend your tourist dollars in this province. The people in B.C. are worth any amount of money you spend on them. As long as they don't spend it on crack.

1. People will judge you as an American. If you are a white American- it may be your first experience as the only minority in the room. Don't let this affect you. You can use your American-ness to your benefit. People will think you might be more cultured or urbanized. You might be accepted as having more historical knowledge. There is a good chance none of these apply to you. Don't worry- as long as you flatter your Canadian hosts there will never be any realization-backlash. Now if you are a black American, white people see you as "American". Black Canadians will think you make more sense than any of them. True say most black Canadians are first, if not zero generation Canadian. You are their role model. Please love them for this opportunity and eat copious amounts of their injera.

Your pal,
John

P.S. You need a passport to cross the boarder. Fuckin' eh!

Theater Review: "Bullet For Adolf"

Wednesday night I attended the second performance of Woody Harrelson's Bullet For Adolf (see www.bulletforadolf.com for more info).

Now me and Woody go way back. I think White Men Can't Jump was the first R-rated movie I ever saw that didn't have any historical relevance. I smoked pot with him at an African restaurant back in 2005 and he strangled me when I tried to take his photo after the filming of Zombieland. As his close homeboy I had to see what he was up to.

I got to apologize right now for being a hater. Let it be known: I never hate for hatred's sake.

When the play started it sucked. The actors were overacting so bad I couldn't follow the dialog. There was this white kid in a suit with no tie with a very racist name saying the N-word and MF-word like they were direct and/or indirect articles and I was just sitting there, stoned as a goat in my chair thinking about how my high school's performance of Damn Yankees was kicking this play's ass six ways from sundown. That play was aiite. Jon Scott's fake boob exploded by accident. I almost pissed myself laughing.

The characters were the main point of the show. Harrelson admitted during a question and answer ceremony following the performance that the Hitler-gun-mystery-plot was slapped on as an afterthought. Not what I would assume to be the most effective approach to writing a script, but there have probably been plenty of great stories throughout history where the writers were concerned primarily with who the events were happening to, not what the events were. Definitely.

It took until the second act for the male cast to actually think and behave like their characters, with the exception of David Coomber (who played Clint). From his first scene he stole the show and made up for what the other actors lacked. The female actors did their job, not forgetting lines or anything. Still, either their delivery or the script made sympathizing with the characters quite a task for the audience. They lacked individuality and relevance to the plot. Throughout much of the play it seemed as if their presence had little more purpose than to make the cast less of a sausage-fest.

The accents sucked. Brandon Coffey, who played Zach, a Texan character based on Harrelson, sounded like Gomer Pyle, USMC. The Nazi-dad, played by Thomas Gough, sounded as convincing as Denzel Washington in The Mighty Quinn. He could have used some direct influence from Hogan's Heroes. I'll say it right here, right now: he should wear a monocle.

By the second act the play got a lot better. The downside is it turned into a potheaded whodunnit. Potheaded is cool but whodunnits are lame. I don't want to spend $32 on an amateur episode of Murder She Wrote even if they might be smoking real pot on stage. Still, a lame mystery is more interesting than people arguing over why it's bad to use the N-word (see Act 1). And I got to hand it to the cast, the comedic elements really flourished after intermission and the phony accents became less and less distracting.

The ending was not memorable. The characters had to do more work for the German guy and everything was OK. Hitler had nothing to do with anything really and the German guy already didactically explained everything having to do with the subtext enabling the audience to watch without the need for individual thought or inner reflection.

All in all I give the play a 2 out for 5. One point for Harrelson being my boy and one point for Coomber playing his role impeccably.

If the producer's wish to quote me saying something complimentary, they can quote this:
"...One point for Coomber playing his role impeccably!"

Every other aspect of the play needs serious work.

Best of luck to the cast and crew during the rest of the show's duration.

Your pal,
John

Q: What does FAQ stand for? A: Frequently Asked Questions.

Greetings, Pescadites*.

Over the past little while that I've been on sabbatical many of my readers have sent in various questions to which I've intended to provide responses. Of course I don't have time for most of the questions, but I do have time to answer the questions I received from three or more readers at least one time each.

*Please stop sending me rude or sexually suggestive messages/photographs.

Q: Where do homeless people get their money?
A: It's not that cut and dry of an issue. Many homelesses don't have any money and that's why they are homeless. Some are able to leach off social assistance similar to the way a parasite eats away at the living flesh of its host species. Don't get me wrong: there is nothing more human than homelesses. Still, these homo insectiens  can be crafty. Some do quite well for themselves panhandling (known on the street as "waiting for the mail").

Q: Why do people use dangerous substances (also known as "drugs")?
A: Dangerous substances can really make life cool while their effects last. The enjoyable duration is typically followed by 8 to 24 hours of shaking and sweating (as well as making your pukehole feel like your butt and your butt feel like your pukehole.) Some people also think that drugs can bring them closer to God, but as anyone who's ever used good enough drugs knows, we're all Jesus and the Devil at the same time - just like a cloud is both air and water.

Q: Who will will the Superbowl in 2012?
A: Kansas City.

Q: How do I know if my boyfriend/ladyfriend is cheating on me?
A: First and foremost, Jesus Pescado is no player hater. You're pissing me off even just asking that kind of question. If you're boyfriend wasn't cheating on you he'd be called your husband (and we know that don't mean squalla.) If you know a female you refer to as a "ladyfriend" you probably have several "ladyfriends" in which case who the F are you to say what does or doesn't happen inside her ladygadget? Ladies burned their bras in the 60s and 70s - meaning they can all take their tops off and we can all get a good look. In return we don't need to open doors or pickle jars for their lazy (but hella fine) asses. Feminism is the best reason to be a motherfuckin' man about it.

Q: Reading your blog developes serious questions pertaining to its authorship. Who are you? Some sort of racist?
A: I am a thirty-five year old exchange student from Mexico City studying sociology. I can say words like beaner, crackertrash, and dago all I want. Who are you? A friggin' priest all of a sudden?

A "Post" For The Ladies?

Due to popular demand I have taken on the undertaking of writing an exclusive article dedicated to the ladies who regularly rely on Jesus Pescado for everything from dating advice to personal hygiene. Gentlemen, you may leave the room. I need to talk to the ladies in private.

Phew. What a relief! Is it just me or do men stink? You can really smell their presence. Anyway, now that the "white elephants in the room" have left, let's get down to business. I'm going to give you a list of useful tips. Study these. Upon mastering my helpful hints, you are guaranteed to be a "tiger in the sack" and just an all-around A-grade sex queen.

1.Kiss proof lipstick is good because your wine glass won't look like a crayon has been nursing it, but bad because your man won't look like he's getting half the action he deserves. It's important for men to visually express how much lovin' they get on a day to day basis. Think about it. If he's been in the stock room way too long and returns with his shirt haphazardly buttoned, his tie undone and smelling of semen- chances are he'll be fired. It's pretty creepy. What was he doing in there- really? But if he's got a beautiful lady's kissprints all over his sweaty face it puts him in context. The boss will give him a wink and kindly imply that he should get back to work. End of story.

2. Ugg boots are unattractive. They say it in the name, well, almost. If you do have them, wear them so you don't need to wear a sweater. NEVER, EVER wear Ugg boots in the snow. They aren't waterproof. It's common mistakes like this that remind the world that men are better at sports and math. Though they should be avoided in most situations, in a pinch you are better off wearing them during your lovemaking than nothing at all. One thing is for certain: cowgirl boots are a lot sexier.

3. Snakeskin = Dangerously Sexy. Therefore buy as many tightfitting articles of snakeskin clothing possible. Snakeskin pants, miniskirts, boots, g-strings- homicidally sexy stuff. I'm gonna have to move on to the next tip; this is getting too sexy even for me (and I coined the term "sexioholic".)

4. Carry red wine with you wherever you go. I know from personal experience that the ladies "get in the mood" quite eagerly with a little help from Mr. Robert Modavi's merlots. Don't get the most expensive bottle. There are fewer things less attractive than drinking from a bottle nearly as old as yourself. You don't want your man to think he can't satisfy your thirst for the finer things in life.

5. Wear a lot of make-up, hairspray, large pieces of costume jewelry and carry a fake Fendi handbag. I'm not going to say why, just do it. But don't overdo the perfume because that shit makes my head spin.

6. Rollerskates, rollerderbies, rollerblades, rollerhockey. Get enthusiastic about wheels beneath your feet.

7. Even if you aren't "bi" or "gay", make out with other women on a regular basis. Even if you do recieve unwanted attention from the lesbian community, the man you've been eyeing all night will be sure to notice. If you keep up the good work, you'll have to beat him off with a stick once you've had enough of him.

That's it for now. If you have trouble with reading words and would prefer the audio tape edition, please send $19.95 + $3.79 S/H in a check or money order to:

JP's Tips for the Ladies
P.O. Box 55
Essex, CT 06426

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
You can stop reading now because I just gave you seven.

Hey Hockey, Did Anyone Ever Tell You That You Look Like Your Dad? Yeah, I Mean Canada.

VANCOUVER, B.C. - On the day Canadian media personnel were calling "Super Sunday", the Canadian Olympic team was thrashed by the all-star Team USA. Despite two power plays in the third period, Team Canada couldn't win nothing. The game ended with a blowout score (5-3, USA) and Canadians walked their shamed-ass asses back to their neighbouring home towns.

Hockey, as we know it, shall no longer be dominated by Canadians. But fear not, Canada, for this is a good thing. The rest of the world has a firm grip on the notion that hockey is indeed a legitimate sport with entertainment value (unlike curling) and that athletes needn't begin their career on a peewee league sponsored by Dave Thomas's (founder of Wendy's) doughnut holes. Hockey has been canonized into world culture much like every other great activity to trickle over to America.

Canada, you birthed hockey and nurtured it. You regurgitated earthworms into its mouth. Respect. But if you love something, let it go. Hockey needs to live its own life and doesn't need to be tied down to your icy bosom any longer. Don't shoot Old Yeller if he ain't got rabies.

I don't want to get off on the wrong foot. I'm not all about bashing Canadian hockey. I have a lot of respect for it. In fact, the night would have been more fun had Team Canada won, but alas, winning was not in the plan of the Great Spirit. Nor was "owning the podium."

OWN THE PODIUM

Over the past several months, Canadian media has been promoting the notion that Northern American athletes will win more medals than their southern counterparts. Ideas like, "Well, we have more snow," and "We are internationally more popular because we don't declare war, we just tag along with everyone who does," have been exchanged for, "We shouldn't have shat on that Native burial ground," and "Maybe we could have been making better art had we not cut funding to buy fancy snowsuits for a bunch of no-talent-hacks." And again there is always, "It was pretty rude to deny guest athletes proper time to train, resulting in the death of yet another Georgian civilian."

The Canadian government has spent over $110 million trying to win more than 30 medals, and over $1 billion on security at the Vancouver Olympic Games. Hoping to rank number one in the medal count, Canada is dwindling at fourth.

All I said was, "Canadian beer sucks."

On the other hand, Team Canada did kick Russia's ass last night. I was kind of surprised myself. Not at the fact that God let Canada win another hockey game but at the fact that the Russians had suitable equipment. Call me old school, but when Team Russia was announced I was expecting to see a bunch of steroid-built behemoths dressed in jerseys made from old onion sacks (burlap, of course) and leather "one-size-fits-all" shoes with butcher knives glued to the soles. For helmets they could have milk crates with horse blankets for padding. But as Russia has removed their Olympic dominatrix style for a more Democratic one, one must put their Rocky IV romantic notions of half the norther hemisphere aside.

Hockey is for the big boys now. But hey- congratulations on the gold medal in ice dancing. Good for you, Canada! Just don't set the bar too high or you won't ever reach it.

Your pal,

John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
If you need to go "number 1" before greeting your man, for the love of God please wash with water. There are few things less attractive than discovering tiny bits of tissue hidden in your hootenanny.

Like What, Is Nothing Newsworthy?

NEW ORLEANS - Fans celebrated Mardi Gras early this year as the Saints wrapped up their first Superbowl win in franchise history. Meanwhile, Kleen Energy in Middletown, Connecticut blew up injuring and/or killing around 20 loyal employees. The new Prius has been recalled and North America's drug capital is about to host the most prestigious event in winter athletics. But what is really on the mind of Americans is the pressing issue of what in the name of Sam Heck happened to Jesús Pescado the past few weeks?

Unlike most good journalists to go AWOL, I wasn't abducted by Taliban insurgency. On the other hand, I do control the media so for all you know I was kidnapped and am writing this from a cave in northwestern Pakistan. But I respect my readers and I deliver the truth. The reason the Pescado had gone stagnant is I had been preforming my Journalism Sabbatical, experimenting in investigative research (which according to my editor is something all good journalists do, all the time.)

If you are familiar with The Pescado you know me. I don't like to waste time going around asking a bunch of strangers questions about stuff they may or may not know about. A lot of these so-called reporters behave like spelling bee judges trying to extract information no one cares about from meaningless individuals. My form of journalism relies on relaying whatever information (what we call info in the business) I read by The Associated Press to the public. Rueters is good too. People don't care about anything no one is already talking about. If they would care about other news, they'd be talking about it already. It's like Catch 22 (great book) only without anything about WWII. WWII is what we in the industry call old news.

After American speed skater Shani Davis didn't return my calls and Woody Harrelson punched me in the face, I had to find a new angle. (Ever notice how angle and angel are spelled almost the exact same? It's very inspirational.) If the news won't come to me, why not make the news myself?

I thought about this. At first it did seem illogical to embark on a crime spree only to promote my bi-weekly column. Like most hard-working Americans, I'm not famous enough to visit sick and dying children. So if I broke into your house, sue me. We'll see who gets arrested when you talk to my lawyer (Greg, you gotta help me out with this one. I can pay in electronics and cash up front.)

Here is some news no one else is writing about:

TORONTO - The Chui residents of 549 Oriole Parkway seldom leave their back sliding glass door unlocked. Inside their living room was a new BluRay player, a Nintendo Wii, a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Lable with decantur and a brand new Macbook. Like many residents of their upper-middle class neighborhood they returned home on Sunday night to find it all missing.

Police said thieves allowed themselves in around 4 PM that afternoon while the family was visiting an aunt in hospital. "I can't believe anyone from our neighborhood would do this. It's such a quiet street," said Edwin Chui, the father of the family. "I had just bought the Macbook for my son Michael. He needs it for school and now he's really out of luck."

-The Associated Press

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
This Valentine's Day don't make your man do anything that will make him look gay. Not gay as in homosexual but gay as in overly happy to be with you. That means don't expect a big red heart full of chocolate. Think about it. What kind of a man would buy a thing like that? Stick to the basics and go "nuts"!

New Trouble For Hispañola

The Island of Hispañola (much to my surprise occupied by both the Dominican Republic and the Republic of Haiti) was hit incredibly hard by the most powerful earthquake to hit the island in the last 200 years on its western Haitian side.

If you didn't know that yet, there is an estimated 100,000 deaths and about 20% of buildings in the capital Port-au-Prince have been reduced to ruins. Now I didn't hear about this until recently. I had my Blackberry on "silent" since January 11th and missed hoards of emails from the Associated Press. But the main reason I didn't know is because I'm a baseball fan, and I'm not sure what sports they play on that side of Hispañola. I'll take a wild guess and say soccer.


Fun Fact! Did you know that Haiti gained independence from France on January 1st, 1804? That makes it the second oldest independent nation in the Americas!

All games aside, there are a lot of good reasons why Americans don't know much about Haiti. The number one reason is that it's not in America. Peurto Rico is. The number two reason: no Haitian bars or baseball players. Simple fact.

The Dominican Republic, on the other hand, has produced the second most Major League Baseball players out of every nation in the world. And it produces more merengue than any other country and the world. And it has an awesome reggaeton scene. And the owners of my favorite bar, Pinche Pendejo's (on 34th), are Dominican. Therefore, the Dominican Republic is pretty much my second home. This, and the fact that I dated a Haitian girl in junior high school gives me the right to have an opinion about the earthquake in Haiti. My opinion is that they need help.

Before our government starts sending down sandwiches, it's important to look at what will help Haitians for the long term. There are key questions we should ask ourselves:

1. Who aside from Wyclef Jean is a famous Haitian?
2. What language do they speak in Haiti?
3. Where is a good Haitian bar to frequent?
4. If exposed to baseball, will Haitians ever outplay Dominicans?
5. How do you send aid to Haiti if the airports and shipping docks are destroyed?
6. Does Haiti have a president, prime minister or king? Why?

Before handling any sensitive topic one should ask oneself questions. It's best not to tackle an obstacle before knowing the facts first.
W5 + H = good journalism.

Take a lesson from baseball. Imagine you are pitching to a big-hitting batter like Sammy Sosa in 1999. The Cubs have two outs with two men on base. You're playing for a shit team like the Royals. Do you think he's going to bunt? No. Why the hell would he bunt with two outs and two men on base? The catcher touches his nuts with one finger. You throw the slider, just to trip him out. Strike one. The catcher touches his nuts with four fingers, then with only two. You're feeling nervous. You throw a fastball. Strike two. What do you do now? Stand there like an idiot or finish the inning? You decide to finish the inning. The catcher signals for the high heat. Sosa hits the third pitch and it's a home run.

Now imagine Haiti was the pitcher. Sammy Sosa represents the earth. The third pitch is the quake and the home run is the crisis.

Then picture the Philadelphia Phillies on opening day and the owner of the Philadelphia Flyers is throwing the first pitch. It doesn't need to be a strike because it's a first pitch. It doesn't even need to clear home plate.

In that scenario, the owner of the Flyers represents Obama in his hometown but in the wrong "sports league." Philadelphia, of course, represents Washington D.C. and the Phillies are the Republican Party. The earthquake happened in "the Republic of Haiti" and Obama is a Democrat. Though ethnically comparable to 95% of Haitians, is a Democrat able to do a Republican's job?

Fun Fact! Did you know the first recorded game of baseball with codified rules was played in Hoboken, New Jersey only 42 years, 6 months and 19 days after Haiti became the second country in the Americas to gain independence?

If you are still confused, that's okay. Life can be confusing. Patience is a virtue. Baseball is America's Favorite Past Time. And it's a game played with confidence.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
When putting on your make-up this morning, don't use glitter. It'll get all over your man making him look flitty. You don't want your lady friends thinking your man is a flit, do you? On top of that, glitter on your face doesn't look good. Unless you are dressed really fancy because then you've made it interesting. Your man will think, "Why does this good-looking, well-dressed dame put all that terrible shit on her face?" Imagine if your sparkles were all natural. It's an enticing element of mystery your man will never forget.

Band-aid Solutions For Black People

With Black History Month coming up in less than three weeks and Martin Luther King Jr. Day here in only one week, it's time we get into the spirit of the season. And every year it's the same thing. As soon as Christmas is over all the malls hang up red, black and green banners. Every radio station plays nothing but Motown hits, and even Starbucks has peanut-flavored coffee (George Washington Carver you never cease to impress us.) A lot of us think the same thing: Black History has become way too commercialized. That's why this history season I'd like us to really examine the true meaning of Black History.

Black History goes beyond singers, musicians, athletes and peanut-specialists. It's pretty cool when you read about it. I'm not going to make you sit here reading about Black History- you can do that on your own time. What I'm going to do is encourage you to examine Black History as it happens.

Anyone with half a brain knows what happened on December 1st, 1955 on a public bus in Montgomery, Alabama. Just like anyone with half a brain knows what American abolitionist, women's suffragist, editor, orator, author, statesman and reformer died February 20, 1895. But what I found out just recently is although segregation has been illegal for some time, there are no widely distributed mainstream Band-aid brand bandages for African-Americans. That's right. As Barack Obama sits on his golden throne in the Oval Office, poor children in the Bronx need to put a Caucasian colored self-adhesive bandage on their proud African skin. The same goes for Indian Americans (and American Indians) but they don't buy as many Band-aids.

Before I continue, let it be known I am refering to the Johnson & Johnson BAND-AID Brand and not the charity supergroup Band Aid, writers of the Christmas classic Do They Know It's Christmas? a hit song that claims it never rains in Africa.

According to African-Canadian filmographer and social activist Cha-nese Peterson, "Band-aids are racist because they boast universal healing but only offer one exclusive 'flesh-tone.' At the same time to bring everyone together and heal the world requires a Band-aid solution [no pun int.] which is bound to exclude and offend at least one minority group which brings band-aids right back to where they started." Peterson pauses to lick her lips and bat her eyelashes. "The smart thing to do would have been to make them transparent from the get go."

"Band-aids are about as racist as a pack of crayons. But that's like a whole nother playground topic." Hip slang and hip hips. Peterson is one activist that's wit it.

A transparent Band-aid? Not a bad idea. But why would there be Spider Man Band-aids and none Afro-appropriate? Do they expect us to believe that there is a minority race living amongst us with blue skin covered in tiny pictures of a Spider Man? They think this race is larger than the entire African American population? It's quite clear that S.C. Johnson is not a Black family company.

On a side note, the charity supergroup Band Aid is very responsible comparitively. Though they undermine African people and the richness of their land, and the band only made one popular song, and although it never put a scrap of gold or penny in my pocket I believe Band Aid has done me good and will do me good and I say God bless it. Hey- they tried and that's all that matters. An "A" for effort. One thing is for sure- as long as our European rock stars continuing to do their "best," one day there will be a Band-aid for Black America.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
I was looking on Craigslist for "creative gigs" and I stumbled across this. Thought you might be interested ;)

Are you in need of waxing (Toronto)

---

Date: 2010-01-11, 5:20PM EST
Reply to: gigs-hptdh-1548070784@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

I am a student and I am learning about how to wax in a professional spa. I am looking for people who are willing to have waxing done.

It would be a free service by the spa owner, I would be present to watch and learn. In addition, you would be compensated well. Areas of focus would be legs, bikini, stomach, thighs

Asap please email asap

appointments can be made on the same day

• Location: Toronto
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: no pay

PostingID: 1548070784

Halle Berry Security Bypass?

MONTREAL, P.Q. -- Friday afternoon was an embarrassing day for travelers departing at Montreal-Trudeau Airport as they continued to stand in line for security while actress Halle Berry, her boyfriend and 22-month old daughter were allowed to bypass the "much needed" metal detectors and X-ray scans.

I see multiple problems with this situation. Now I don't believe Halle Berry, her unwed Canadian lover nor their unmarried-parents-having daughter are to blame. It's not their fault for being better at the Game of Life than most of us. It is a pretty sweet game with bumps and mansions, and if you don't get fire insurance you might really drift up a crick without a paddle. The problem with the situation rests with the Montreal police and the apathetic passengers who did not yell "stupid Amerrycans!" and throw loaves of baguette smothered in brie at the celebrity couple.

This is a rather complex issue that hits the core of our American belief set. Since most Americans are getting stupider as the days wear on and technology progresses I will walk you through the basics of the Berry Bypass incident.

1. It happened in Canada (outside of the US). Should it really be considered newsworthy? In foreign countries the police are always corrupt and celebrities get away with murder. Like when Matthew Broderick killed those people in Ireland. That "news story" was the yawn heard around the world.

2. The French aren't as rude as we'd like them to be. Why didn't the police call Berry ignorant before she requested special treatment? What did the officers think they would receive by being Berry's bitch? A great idea for an independent movie? (BTW- great idea for an independent movie: Being Berry's Bitch.)

3. Obama. You'd think during his first term in office he'd do something right and not allow 90s movie stars to waltz through a line that the writer of the Pescado would most likely need to stand through. With only three years till his reelection, one would think this poor decision would strike fear in his heart.

4. Berry's agent Toni Howard wasn't even immediately available to comment on the event. This kind of apathy is eating away at the core of American society like an earthworm to a Golden Delicious (my personal favorite.) Straighten up and fly right, Toni Howard. What are you- a mix between Toni Braxton and Adina Howard? You think you are the one true Mega Diva? Then be available to comment when the Associated Press wants to talk to you. Those giants can make or break your coke-head-Hollywood ass. Show some respect. Even if the story isn't even newsworthy.

If you ever find yourself being pushed around by a celebrity remember the Three S's of Self Defense: sock, spit, shout. Always end in shouting so you can convince people around you that the celebrity started the fight.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
When trying to please your man, never ever cry. It's so unbelievably terrible you should consider yourself very lucky if he does call back. In the rare case that he does, try crying again. Let him know that "it's your thing" and that if he ever wants to be with you he'd "better get used to it." Cry all the time. Cry when you are putting on your make-up so you can walk around with that "running mascara" look Goth guys probably dig. I'd imagine NASCAR fans would like that too. Not exactly sure why.

Swine Flu (or H1N1 If You Want to Be a Dick About It)

The Swine Flu threat level has been at Orange and above since Summer '09. It would be great to say, "Swine Flu? That's sooo last decade." Not the case. It's still here. It's still the most disgusting plague to strike the sinners of the earth since either Ebola or AIDS (feel free to choose one or the other.)

You might be thinking, "Swine Flu would be very uncomfortable, but AIDS and Ebola are certainly more life-threatening. In fact, Ebola does in ten days what it takes AIDS to do in ten years." Note that I never said Swine Flu is a deadlier disease or less curable. I said it's disgusting. Pigs are disgusting creatures that eat their own shit and fart out of their mouths when they talk. And they look kind of like super-inbred humans.

If you really want to compare Swine Flu to AIDS: think about this. When you contract Swine Flu people will think you just sat next to some immune deficient wimp on a Mexican airplane. Or worse, you slept with a pig. When you get AIDS it's quite obvious what had been happening. You were partying like a fuckin' rock star since 1988. Sharing needles, unprotected anal sex- all the taboos that make life seem mysteriously (and vulgarly) sensational. And you receive a copy of a directory of people you can have sex with. It's like every night is New Years Eve, only you are dying very slowly.

What really irks me is when the liberal media uses the term H1N1. It makes it seem like a chemical formula instead of something to be ashamed of. Swineys will be saying, "Sorry I can't party with you guys. My doctor said I have H1N1 and need to rest. I wish I could be there. Have fun!" What the hell is that supposed to mean? Did you accidentally spill hydrogen peroxide in an area of your hair you weren't trying to bleach? How am I supposed to accuse you of beastiality with a term like that? You know that virtually every flu virus contracted by a human is H1N1? Be more specific. Any swiney referring to their condition as H1N1 is depriving the listener of a good old fashioned grossed-out recoil. [Editor's note: there was no available footage of Glenn Beck's face being ejaculated on to link "a good old fashioned grossed-out recoil."]

This may come as a surprise to many: I still have not received my flu shot. I do not believe in it. (Much like I do not believe in the use of contractions.) Not that I do not want to be sick, I simply do not like the current visual presentation. The vaccine should be a bright green color and the syringe needs to be much larger. It should also have a picture of a pig's skull with a red circle around it and a line going through it like a no-smoking sign. Just like the picture above. That is why I made the picture- to show you, because I care.

In conclusion, we need to put an end to AIDS, Ebola and Swine Flu. And we need to put an end to giving scary-ass sounding diseases pussy-ass sounding names. It's a fact we all need to face. What good will turning into a society of wimps do? Get our asses kicked by a bunch of terrorists? You can see the issue goes far beyond my personal taste and is truly in the heart of homeland security.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
STDs and STIs are very unattractive, so wash your underparts with soap and water after having unprotected sex. That's what hookers did in the 1930s and the worst STD they faced was syphilis. Not bad, eh?