According to Coleridge the guy who came up with Kwanzaa was a Black-power-movement-back-stabber. And according to Jesus Pescado, Chanukah presents are seldom comparable in quality to Christmas presents. So let's forget I said anything about holidays other than Christmas.
I'll rephrase the question.
"What the F am I supposed to do (and not supposed to do) while visiting relatives for Christmas?"
DO: Watch good Christmas movies. Don't know any? Here is my comprehensive list, including every single good Christmas movie ever made.
1. A Muppet Christmas Carol. Quite possibly the best Christmas movie ever made. This post-mortem Jim Henson production kicks the crap out of any other Charles Dickens flick.
2. A Muppet Family Christmas. Made by Jim Henson (and includes a cameo), this is possibly the best Muppet Movie ever made (with the exception of The Muppet Movie.) Also, it stars the same guy who plays the bartender in Boondock Saints.
3. Emmet Otter's Jug Band Christmas. Another Jim Henson feat of greatness. Socialist and lovable, even if your uncle Joe's last name is Stalin you can enjoy this one.
DON'T: Get drunk of egg nog and bang a relative or two. That's absolutely disgusting and I can't believe you brought that up.
DO: Buy presents for relatives you are fond of. Here is my comprehensive list of good presents.
1. Nintendo Wii. Everybody's favorite video game system. With a near virtual reality style of game play this is one of the most interactive gifts this holiday season. And it's great for all ages.
2. Sam Adam's Winter Lager. For the 21+ relatives (sorry, Canadians, it's not available at The Beer Store) this dark wheat beer is spiced specifically for the season. Delicious, refreshing and warming, you can't go wrong gifting this treat. Good for alcoholic family members too! (Don't be in denial- you have several.)
3. Braun 5270 Silk-épil X'elle Body System Epilator. Great for the ladies (and still works for the gents.) Stylish and perfectly designed, fin3d this beauty on sale at Amazon.com for only $51.16!
4. The 2010 Kawasaki Jet Ski 800 SX-R. You are a pussy if you don't get this for Christmas.
DON'T: Making presents for you family members. No one wants your bad art or a dream catcher (or even worse a God's Eye.) It's terrible form. You'll look both cheap and untalented.
DO: Having a fire in your fireplace or wood stove. There is no cozier way to celebrate the Birth of Our Savior Christ Jesus. It also refers to the ancient pagan ritual Yule (which most Christmas traditions are based around.) Now I'm no "academic" that can cite the history of the Yule log, but I can only assume that those blood thirsty bastards were sacrificing virgins and shit with that thing. It's pretty cool to think about while everybody is talking about this "peace on earth" garbage.
DON'T: Celebrating Christmas at a family member's house with no fire place or wood burning stove. Face the fact that the idea of Santa delivering presents through the back door is a crock load of bullshit. You gotta be chock-full-o-nuts to buy that one. It's not his style. It's too bait. It will look like a B and E. Celebrating Christmas without Santa Claus is like throwing a surprise party for someone who doesn't exist. All your friends will be like, "When's Craig Mattson coming?" And you'll be like, "Any minute now." After a couple hours everyone will start to leave one by one because the party was terrible.
DO: Compile my Tips for the Ladies into a neat little book and give them to your female family members as stocking stuffers. They will never forget. Please note that reproduction of information found in this blog is punishable by law. In a case where the copyright owner sustains the burden of proving, and the court finds, that infringement was committed willfully, the court in its discretion may increase the award of statutory damages to a sum of not more than $150,000. In a case where the infringer sustains the burden of proving, and the court finds, that such infringer was not aware and had no reason to believe that his or her acts constituted an infringement of copyright, the court in its discretion may reduce the award of statutory damages to a sum of not less than $200. The court shall remit statutory damages in any case where an infringer believed and had reasonable grounds for believing that his or her use of the copyrighted work was a fair use under section 107, if the infringer was: (i) an employee or agent of a nonprofit educational institution, library, or archives acting within the scope of his or her employment who, or such institution, library, or archives itself, which infringed by reproducing the work in copies or phonorecords; or (ii) a public broadcasting entity which or a person who, as a regular part of the nonprofit activities of a public broadcasting entity (as defined in subsection (g) of section 118) infringed by performing a published nondramatic literary work or by reproducing a transmission program embodying a performance of such a work.
Have a happy and healthy Christmas season. Eat well and be merry (and say "hi" to your hot aunt Maggie with the big tits for me.)
Your pal,
John
***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
If you are a smoker, only smoke long, thin cigarettes. You need to express your gender in every activity you encounter, and this is a good way to stay feminine and sexy. If you are a non-smoker, still purchase long, thin cigarettes but don't light them as often. How the hell can you attract a man (ever) if you are smoking anything shorter than 100s? (Or worse, how will he know you'll have sex with him if you never smoke?) Your man will never forget.
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