Woody Harrelson and Brittany Murphy

As any true King of the Hill fan knows, on December 20th Brittany Murphy died of a heart attack. The results from her autopsy aren't haven't yet been released, so we don't know what caused the episode. I can only assume it was due to the cancellation of the best cartoon show ever.

Coincidentally, at 4:30 AM on December 20th I finished watching Natural Born Killers for the first time in my life.

Seeing Woody Harrelson playing the most bad-assed fella to ever walk in the United States of America filled me with hope that one day things will get better. Hippies will acquire guns and won't allow Rupert Murdoch to kill young, beautiful and talented actresses. After finishing the movie I Googled Woody's name to see what my old friend is up to (I smoked a couple bowls with him behind an Ethiopian restaurant back in '04.) Apparently he has taken time off of acting to get into activism promoting natural and organic products, industrial hemp and veganism. Now that's great, but I got something to say.

Hey Woody- what ever happened to the GUNS?

Don't get me wrong- there are plenty of things you can do with pot plants besides smoke them. You can plant them around police stations, parliamentary buildings, post offices- the list of hemp's uses is virtually unlimited. But all the rest of the website looks like its for old ladies and little girls. So I continued to search for results involving his name.

It turns out Woody recently punched a paparazzi photographer in the face at an airport because he thought the TMZ employee was a zombie. That might not reflect greatly on the push to legalize recreational use of marijuana, but it's an honest mistake. If I had a dollar for every time I had to punch a real zombie in the face for taking pictures of me I'd be a GD millionaire. Because those MFs travel in packs. Which is why Woody had to have been stoned to mistake only one guy for a zombie. Also- punching a zombie in the face does nothing. You need a shotgun.

Now I almost made the same mistake in Toronto this year when I accidentally came across a "zombie parade" in late October. I panicked and was about to open fire on these posers; thank God I punched one in the face first and made it bleed its own blood because as we all know real zombies only have dry blood.

That aside, Woody (if you are reading this) give me a call, homey 'cause I've got to talk to you about zombie politics and toughening up the hippies of today. Against zombies, Murphy-killers and ladies who don't take to my tips. But I smoked you up the last time so make sure you got a bag of that Louis Armstrong konbud.

Your pal,
John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
Drinking beer makes you "one of the guys." Don't do it. Stick to cosmopolitans, Smirnoff Ices, anything proper fellas don't touch. It's sexy and it get you feeling sexier. Let's be honest- it's hard to get drunk off beer. It takes too long. Bust out that Southern Comfort with ginger ale and grenadine. Your man will be in awe.