This Decade's "Top Ten"

The long awaited and highly anticipated list is here! Feel free to share this on your Facebook, Twitter, and BlackPlanet accounts.

John's Top Ten of Everything to Happen From Aught-Aught to Aught-Nine

10. Global Warming. I love saying it and I'll say it again, "I told ya-so." Which brings me to the number nine.

9. The Grand Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini. He's been causing a lot of mischief out east with his blatant disregard for nuclear disarmament and has been continuing to enrich uranium like a son of a bitch. And he's been denying his citizens their right to vote. I'd like to say right now to Barack Obama (I know you are reading this, Barack, and don't think I don't remember about that twenty bucks you owe me) I-a-told-ya this Ayatollah is no good.

8. Financial Crisis. Just when we thought our stock piles of jet skis, overstuffed leather armchairs and Louis Vuitton suitcases would never run out, Old Man Winter 2008 made us pinch every penny in our pockets like a nation full of chumps. Let's face it. The very idea of eating at home and taking the bus to work (if you still have a job) is completely and utterly unAmerican. And I'm sure it's unCanadian too but Canadian's don't have the guts to put their balls to the wall like I do. I-a-didn't-see-this-one-coming. Anyone who did is probably a spy for al-Qaeda. Which brings me to number seven on the list.

7. al-Qaeda. Not only am I sick of their financial-crisis-causing-asses but I'm sick of being expected to spell their name correctly. From now on when you read your daily Jesus Pescado it shall be spelled olkayduh. It's a lot easier for us Yankees to say. Practice. First say "okay" but jam an L in their. Then say "duh." Like you don't think too much. It's simple.

6. Nintendo Wii. Contrary to popular belief the reason I've included this system (the best system of all time) isn't only because they paid me, it's because it actually is the best video game system of all time. With PS3 being a close second. Why is PS3 in second place? The games are too hard and don't have enough fun colors. Some of you might be thinking, "I can watch Blu-Ray on my PS3, surf the internet- even hook 30 PS3s up together and make my own NASA quality super-computer." Clearly you haven't been playing Super Smash Brothers because that game makes the moon landing look like shit.

5. Chupacabra. This decade has brought us years closer to finding this sun of a bitch. I'm still not sure who I'd rather see caught: Chupacabra or Osama bin Laden. Perhaps they hide in the same cave and it will be a two-for-one deal.

4. The Internet. Yeah, you're right. It first became common place in homes in the nineties and I'm too late. But not really. Sure we had the internet in the nineties but it sucked then. Pets.com? Webcrawler? All those fly-by-night bullshits? Back in those days the internet sucked and you'd spend an hour trying to see a single photo of a chick's ass. And you had to pay for service by the hour. I remember kids that their family only had 6 hours of internet a month, and to dial up they were charged for long distance calling. Now all I have to do is think hard enough and my brain will pick up an internet signal. That's what I'm doing right now. I'm not at a computer. I'm just thinking. Thank you, This Decade*!

*It still is a bitch trying to refer to this decade with a single word. I'm pretty damn disappointed that the media hasn't figured this out yet.

3. My 21st Birthday. That was fuckin' sweet. For two years now I've been able to buy and drink booze in any country where alcohol hasn't been banned completely (Saudi Arabia, you disappoint me.) If there is a "heroin age" in the Netherlands I'm probably good for that too. OH WHOA- what if like the "bronze age" and the "stone age" there was also a "heroin age"? Oh wait. I think that happened when Nirvana was popular. Nevermind.

2. September 11th. I'd be a terrorist if I didn't include it.

1. Jeans That Are Faded on the Front of the Legs and the Back Pockets. These things are awesome. Everybody's got them and you are a nobody without them. They are quite possibly the best innovation this millenium will ever see.

There you have it. If you are low on money this holiday season you can always print off copies of this list and use them as stocking stuffers for your family and friends.

Your pal,

John

***A TIP FOR THE LADIES***
I'm gonna be leaving Friday and won't have much time to update the blog, but you can still write to my email and my assistant will get back to you. Please do not send any nude photos unless they are tasteful (for tasteless photos please send them to my Yahoo! email.) My wife gets mad when she sees them.