New BlackBerry

Last year we were all thinking the same thing: when the "H" is John going to get his "A" a BlackBerry(R)? Finally this week all your prayers have been answered. I finally have a business-confident mobile device. And there is a slight chance it was assembled by Cha-Nese Peterson.

Now I thought it would be hella-kickass to write this entry from my BlackBerry(R). Sadly it's "running low on battery" so I got to write from my friend's computer (like a pussy.)

I'm sorry guys. I'll shut up about my phone and get on to a very real problem.

Just like Chris Brown leaked nude photos of Rhianna, my former confidant Corinne Ton That leaked some suprisingly risque photos of myself exercising. Posting them on her Facebook account, she has exploited my body and I blame the media. Really, Corinne. Think about the "F"ing children. When these kids see a role model like me in that context they won't be thinking, "Hey, this guy has pretty strong gloots," but instead, "I should be dressing like my role model John and exposing my nutsack." I can't believe you, Corinne. Posting those photos is beyond socially irresponsible. It's electronically reprehensible. A blatant misuse of media.

I'll say it again: I blame the media. These days, it's the media's fault for everything. The media is everywhere and is corrupting American life and the children, so I'd like to take a minute to figure out what exactly this whole "media" really is.

According to Merriam Webster, "media" is the plural version of "medium." And according to Marshall McLuhan, "The medium is the message."

So we need to make sure we don't have any messages. Say stuff, speak your mind, just don't have any point or sense of logic. This way we can avoid the media as much as possible and save America and our children.

Your pal,

John

"A Tip for the Ladies"
The foxiest ladies have the foxiest names. Who'd date a "Beth" when they could have a Crystal or Jasmine? So when changing your name and naming your daughters it's good to refer to pornos and strip club marquees. It's just a little technique your man will NEVER forget. And that's something McLuhan can put in his Canadian-assed pot-pipe and smoke on.