Where the"H" is Bill Murray When You Need Him?

Okay, so we are all pretty much thinking the same thing. Every time Christmas rolls around, anxiety strikes us all forcing us into a robotic mindset known as shopoholism. Now I've never been too much a fan of the shopohol myself (unless the liquor store counts, but my therapist tells me it's still known as alcoholism).

In order to vaccinate ourselves of this mental disease I suggest the following:

Each time you celebrate one holiday, secretly be celebrating the next.

Take Christmas for instance. (Actually, this only really works for Christmas and other people's birthdays.) When you sit around the family fire next to the family tree, chances are the presents you got your relatives and friends are not going to be that good. According to Stats Canada, your presents have a 95% chance of being returned or regifted. So why celebrate Christmas in your heart when it's only going to let you down?

I know what you're thinking. "New Years Eve" is too wild and crazy to celebrate myself in the bottom of my heart all alone by myself. And you are absolutely right. Save "New Years Eve" for snorting copious amounts of cocaine with the guy who used to beat you up in high school because the truth is, it is only once a year. So we go on to the next holiday. Not Martin Luther King Jr. Day because nobody really celebrates it and you already get the day off for Christmas. With all respect to MLK, nobody paints chicken eggs, wastes tons of money or blows off their hands in an attempt to celebrate his legacy. Plus Jesus was Black and he's a superior hero to anybody else. Sorry MLK but he's got you beat.

The next holiday is Groundhog Day. Which is perfect because for Christmas I'm going to Aurora, Illinois where they filmed the cinematic equivalent.

Groundhog Day is a holiday celebrating delusion and day time hallucinations in America. It is a day where everybody experiences déjà vu and waits for a lovable woodchuck to climb down the chimney and distribute six weeks of winter to the house guests. And this Groundhog's Day I'd like to invite Bill Murray back to Aurora, Illinois to celebrate Christmas with me and my family.

So Bill Murray, if you are out there and you Google your own name regularly, holler at your homey, fella. Punxsutawny just ain't the same without ya!

Your pal,

John

P.S. "A Tip For The Ladies"

>If you are looking to "please your man" this holiday season, DO NOT wear tan/flesh colored nylons. Those things are disgusting and make you look like you are wearing soiled white stockings. Instead, where white stockings. Especially if you aren't white. I can't stress it enough how much dark skinned women should wear white stockings. It'll trip your man out. It's like, "Whoa, where are you from? Half Bengali, half space alien?" Even Bengali men will think it's exotic! Your man will be sure to think you look "out of this world" (no pun intended, LOL!)